PASSING THINGS

Kangasvuori Revisited












by

Atte Romo


















Atte Romo:

PASSING THINGS; Kangasvuori Revisited
(Keywords: Life in a mental hospital, experiences from a mental hospital/mental institution).


FOREWORD

I could tell tales of my life, but as a mass of experiences, habits, problems, thoughts and feelings, (the way I write about my life to my diary), they´re doomed to be uninteresting in the long run.

But I wanted to tell you THIS tale, straight from my diaries from december 2005 to february 2006, when I was in the Kangasvuori mental hospital for the second time, but this time only to get my medication changed. There I went through many different kinds of phases that now seem to me almost unreal, like in a dream… or a fairytale. This book also serves as a sample of my writing skills in english.

No matter how much time
Your love´s as good as mine
You´ve got to find yourself
In your heart there´s so much wealth

- Jason Falkner


What´s the ugliest part of your body?
Some say your nose
Some say your toes
But I think it´s your MIND

- Frank Zappa



PART ONE: ARRIVAL, IN GOOD SPIRITS AND FEELINGS

MON 19.12.2005 (DAY 1) at 10:41


So here I am in Kangasvuori again.We came here with my mom at nine am, and had the welcome interview with some doctors/nurses. I was offered the possibility of starting this treatment early next year, but I stuck to my decision. Then, one of the nurses showed me around the place, and I was to the blood test and heart film in the main building. And soon it´s time for lunch. Everything seems fine for now. I was put to a two bed room, where I have a roommate, but he´s not here now.

This morning I took three Tenoxes, and actually they are something Imight have to quit any time soon, while I´m here.

The nurse encouraged me to take part in the daily activities, although I´m a bit reluctant on socializing too much.


At 11:31

I´m just making myself at home here. I bet that I´ll like it here… even though a month is a long time. But I´ve got my music and a book… and this diary.

We just had lunch, where not many people talked. The food was exellent. Now I´m lying in my hospital bed with snooze in my mouth.

I don´t think I´ll go bowling or to the swimming hall with thew folks here.


At 11:55

Just now a nurse came here to fetch me for a physical examination. She is nice and very attractive. She measured my blood pressure and listened to my heart and my lungs. She and the main doctor both marvelled at my superfast heartbeat. The doctor said they might have to examine further about the matter.

So this place is going to be my home for the next four weeks. It´s a long time, but I bet I´ll like it here. It´s a good feeling to know that you´re taken care of. Unfortunately I´ll have to say goodbye to Tenox.


At 14:36

I just did a long, slow walk around Kangaslampi and the places where I lived when I was a kid. On my way back I stopped by at the grocery store, bought juice and candy. On the walk it was so peaceful and tranquile. There was hardly anyone around. It reminded me of the times here five years ago. Hell, I haven´t even walked in these places since then.

This place is as sweet as I dreamt, but sweeter than I expected. My roommate isn´t around too much. We haven´t shaken hands yet.

It´s good to keep in good spirits. It serves everyone best. Because if I´m in good spirits, even mockery (or whistling) doesn´t hurt.


At 15:53

I just went downstaits to take a look at the info board, and a nurse came to me to inform me. I asked her questions and she answered, as we moved into the office. Then there came a guy I remember from my time in the closed ward, five years ago. He´s a big male nurse whom I´ll call Fishman. I thought he was an asshole then (of course because he whistled), but now I shook his hand and looked him in the eyes.

They told me that I get two Oxepams a day, if I need them, and the two Tenoxes are given to me in the evening (so I won´t need to give them up totally)… and my Truxals have been lowered to two (not bad).

I can well understand how all the TIME we have here may become a problem. I just started reading the big philosophical book I brought with me, but it´s more like sleeping medicine.

My best friend Tony just called. He´s coming to visit on wednesday. My dad will come this evening.


At 17:04

We just had dinner, which was some kind of mashed vegetable soup. There were few people there and just a few of them spoke.

My roommate listens to some kind of techno on the earphones constantly, but the guy next door listens to Jethro Tull and the Beatles.

Just now I went to the office and asked for an Oxepam.

This place is (at least for now) every bit as wonderful as it was in my wildest dreams.


At 18:45

My dad was just here. We walked out and sat for a while in a vacant room. It´s nice to get visitors here.

The day´s been long, and it wasn´t even my first whole day here. I´m getting a little scared of how my cover will hold up, even though I know I probably shouldn´t wear one.

The personel have promised that later I´d get a room of my own.

Am I afraid to admit my own insecurity? It hasn´t even hit me yet that I´m going to be here for FOUR WEEKS! Four goddamn weeks! There´s got to be something more to this than what I´ve had today… Too much lying around.


At 20:09

Supper was half an hour ago, after which I called Heather. She´s my friend by heart. It´s two hours ´til bedtime. I´m in good vibes. Here I could be writing all the time. And writing is what I see before me now. I must carry out the writing project, and I´ll do it with delight – be it so thet I´ll have to smoke cigarettes. What comes to going to the Clubhouse… maybe it simply isn´t my cup of tea.


At 21:02

There´s a lot of love in this house – lots of good feelings. I just recieved my pills from an old woman, who was on ward two five years ago. She is kind of sweet. They hand out the pills differently here, but I don´t mind. It´s all part of the deal, like the food.


TUE 20.12 (DAY2) at 8:12

I woke up an hour ago and took a walk out. Breakfast was bleak. I wasn´t given any pills. I figured that I could walk home from here through the skiing route. It would only be a few kilometers, max.

Everyone behaves so well here.

When the doctor is available (at ten), I must talk to him about the meds, Tenox in particular. See, they won´t give it to me daytime, and I NEED it from the morning on.


At 11:32

This morning I participated in the floor meeting and a group session (comers & leavers) downstairs. After lunch I found myself feeling joyous. Yes, I´m joyous now. I just did a little walk, and now I´m relaxing in the room with snooze and Joni Mitchell. My roommate is elsewhere. At ten am a nurse came to check my heart rate again, and once again marvelled at it´s fastness.

Today I already made contact with other people. The group session was fascinating. Some of the women there spole exactly like all those folks who write to newspapers and magazines about their depression. In the group, I was more optimistic.

So far I´m doing fine without Tenox. But this evening I´ll take it. I got an Oxepam as a substitute at ten am.

My mom is coming over in the afternoon, and we´ll go out to eat, because it´ll be fish soup for dinner today.


At 17:55

This afternoon, tired of lying still, I went for a sporty walk around around the pond, and was sporty enough to walk all the way to Prisma, where I met my mama. We stopped by at the market and then ate. I had a pan pizza, and mom had a sammon burger. Then we drove to my place, where we smoked a couple of fags, and I took some magazines with me (not porn, though!) and a few fideos.

I just got back, and stopped by at the neighbour´s (big guy) room, and we agreed to watch a video this evening.

The break from hospital life was needed: I noticed that I have already lost my sense of territory, and gotten alienated from my home. The situation in Prisma was chaotic, and I needen Tenox badly, but IT DOESN´T HURT THAT MUCH WHEN THERE´S NOTHING TO LOSE.


At 18:16

I just went downstairs to ask for Tenox, and the same explaining thing was ahead. Well, I didn´t get Tenox, instead I got an Oxepam, so I won´t ask for Tenox during the daytime anymore. Instead, what I´m gonna do, is to go to town tomorrow and get my Tenoxes from the pharmacy, and take ´em in secrecy from now on… Only that it´ll hardly stay as a secret, ´cause I already told my mom.

And once again, in my fragile moment, the whistle. I haven´t heard it so far here on ward 40, but just now, when I was being fragile to this female nurse, Fishman, the asshole nurse, came whistling up the stairs. It´s stunning how it still gets me down.


At 18:33

Come on now, Atte. Don´t bear grudge. You´ve got to tolerate both physical and mental discomfort at this time. And let´s face it – you have it pretty comfortable right now, don´t you? Besides, these people work here, and you´ve got to respect them, ´cause THEY KNOW BETTER. There will come the time, when you walk out of here, so keep in good spirits.


At 19:14

I just prayed for an answer to the whistling thing, and now I know how to go about it. I´m gonna go down to supper, and if Fishman still whistles, I´ll ask to meet him personally, and take the topic up. Then it´ll be sorted out, once and for all.


At 19:53

Even though I´m still timid around people here, I´ve begun making contact with some, and adjusting to this place´s periphery. Fishman didn´t whistle at supper.


At 22:03

Today has already been a good, more (emotionally) warm day: In the evening we watched a movie with the big guy and a girl ("Nousukausi", very good). I am content.


At 22:13

I just got my Tenoxes (at last) from a very nice male nurse – earlier he even asked me how my day had been.

Tomorrow morning I´ll take a shower and go to town.


WED 21.12 (DAY 3) at 13:05

It´s a sunny day and a funny day – paradoxially, because it´s the darkest day of the year. This mornind I did wake up before the general wake-up call, but I stayed in bed ´til 8:30, because me and my dad had agreed to go eat out on his lunch break. So I got up, took a shower, changed my clothes, ate a couple of fruits, went to the cafeteria for morning coffee, and went to town by bus.

In town I first went to the pharmacy to get my Tenoxes, which I´m not supposed to do whilst I´m here in the mental hospital. Anyway, I didn´t take any. Then I went to my dad´s workplace, and we stopped by at a couple of stores and then went to eat to Ali Baba. I ate a bacon pasta, that totally filled me up. Then we went to Arnold´s Donuts, where I had a donut with coffee.

I came back by bus, and was immediately transferred to a room of my own! I just spoke on the phone with a religious friend of mine, Grasu.

Today I´ve also been very joyous. I must be the most cheerful guy in this hospital, where there´s a lot of pain and sorrow.

It is my plan to save Tenoxes now. I´ll go to town each wednesday to get ´em, but I won´t take ´em, I´ll save ´em.

This is without a doubt one of the best days of my life.

I bet my life is going to change with this perioid in the looney bin. I´ll probably start getting up early and going to the Clubhouse, lead a more normal life.


At 15:21

I just did wisely and went on a long walk deep into the ambiose, into the suburb of Sulku. So I spent the last light hour of the day out. On my walk I did a lot of thinking and figured that I´m now glad about EVERYTHING in my life – glad about the faith, glad about my new positive attitude, glad about my past and the wealth that comes from it… and of course, glad about this medication change (that hasn´t yet begun, though).


At 19:16
Early this evening Tony was here for an hour.

A moment ago a nurse came to tell me that they´re starting the Leponex medication tonight. So this is where it starts off. The laboratory is set. Bring it on, baby!

At 19:42

Here, for the first time in a long while, I´m noticing that I AM NOT THE CENTRE OF EVERYTHING. Because since I was small, I´ve thought that I am. You see, now that I´m here with people, I´m in the kind of situation in which people ignore me for the first time… maybe since my school days… and it HURTS! What hurts the most is that people don´t think I´m much. Because even in my psychosis I´ve been the center of the universe. And I also realise that I´m not much fun to be around.

I´m ashamed that I smoked with Tony, ´cause now thw smoke is all over my clothes, and just downstairs people sniffed at me. I may quit for good, but maybe on christmas I´ll smoke a few cigars.


At 20:01

I just spoke on the phone with my mom, and we also talked about my beard that my parents think is messy, and maybe truly causes others to dislike me, as I suspected. But then again, maybe I just gotta be me, and bear the consequences. Maybe I don´t have to please everyone. Maybe thet´s one lession to learn… to not have to try and be so fucking politically correct all the time.

I wonder if ever the ugly truth about me gets revealed… And the ugly truth is that I´ve been the center of my own world. It´s been a lot of fun, but it´s caused a lot of shame and suffering… in the outside world. This is one end, this feeling of worthlessness, and that´s another. Maybe things will have to end… in MY world too.


At 20:34

I just tried to go out, but the door is locked. I´m panicking. I feel anxious. But I´ll get my first Leponex in a half an hour. At least now we´ll see if it works for anxiety.


At 21:12

So now it´s in – the first small particle of Leponex.

The days are really long here.

The music I´ve listened to while being here has consisted solely of Joni Mitchell and Split Enz. The Enz album "Mental Notes" is truly an album to love, a very annoying one too… Both because it has a lot of personality. Joni Mitchell, on the other hand, has lots of lovable songs, but hardly an entirely good album.


At 21:32

The Leponex is kicking in, slightly. I have a warm sensation and a positively overactive mood, not just the mind, but the body as well, a feeling of being interested. I don´t want to spoil this feeling with Tenox.

If this was a movie about my life, its soundtrack would now be Split Enz´s "Stranger Than Fiction". That´s MY SONG.


THU 22.12 (DAY 4) at 8:14

I´ve slowly begun to realise and see that all the others here are people too… and not some faceless scrutinizers or allies in a conspiracy against me.


At 9:24

I just did a slow-paced walk around the area, including the place where I lived when I was a kid. I went out to witness the dawn, but the dawn was not to be hurried. The sun is hardly up even now. The walk lasted for about an hour.

I´m feeling alright now. I was thinking of taking Tenox when I came in, but I feel good enough not to need it.

It´s a fine feeling to wake up for breakfast, and not having to do anything after that. I remember all those early school mornings, when it felt so sweet to be able to watch TV for a while after breakfast, before going to school. Oh, how I wished I could stay that way… But now I know that doing so ain´t so sweet after all. It´s even sweeter to be part of something: Part of a community, a group, a reason to work etc… But I do feel sweet now. I´m listenind to Ben´s Diapers, and it sounds better than ever.


At 15:01

The fitness instructor came to talk to me at noon, and we arranged badminton and skiing for next week´s mornings. After that, after much deliberation, i took three Tenoxes and went on a walk all over Pupuhuhta. Then I had afternoon coffee downstairs with the others (they even served CAKE this time) after which I watched the movie "Clonus" in the TV room of my floor, ate an entire bag of candies and had snooze. The Tenox made me relax. My parents are gonna pay a visit this evening.


At 21:08

I feel much more relaxed and convenient now that I´ve taken Tenox, which is of course against the rules. But the good side is that it´ll be revealed only after I´ve left this hospital. All in all I feel very good these days, even though there´s some tension with the others.

This evening we watched one movie to its halfway with the big guy. I just got my evening medication, which still consisted of two Zyprexas, but only one Truxal. The Leponex dose was twice as much as yesterday; now 50 mg, one sixth of the final dose.

I´m happy and joyous, partly because no-one here is being an asshole, whistling or acting egoistically… except maybe me!

Unlike I expected, my use of snooze hasn´t grown while I´ve been here. I take it about three times a day.


At 22:12

Now I feel the Leponex kicking in. I feel dizzy, like in fever, and extremely loose and relaxed, because of the Leponex. I´m terribly in need of junk food.


FRI 23.12 (DAY 6) at 10:54

This morning I slept an hour later than I´m supposed to, because I was feeling strange because of the Leponex. After nine am, I did what I had planned: Went to the Hesburger in Prisma to eat. I just got back. The doctor will see me at two pm. I hope he´ll allow me to go home today.


At 16:42

I am now at my parents´place getting ready to spend christmas with them. I´m joyous and glad; my book came out of print today, and I signed and packaged one copy for the very nice uncle Olavi. I get to be here ´til monday morning.

Yes, I had a meeting with the doctor this afternoon, and he recommended me to cut down my use of snooze… if then that´s what´s causing my over-speedy heartbeat. I got him to write me TEMESTA. Ah, Temesta, for the first time in YEARS!


SAT 24.12 (christmas eve!) at 20:45

This morning I got up after nine, and me and my dad went to Muurame (to give and get gifts). On the way back we dropped my present to my friend, Jethro, to his mailbox. We also went to the traditional christmas porage- and coffee serving at my aunt´s place, where I was stiff and out of place.

The evening went in conventional ways: Eating, drinking, sharing presents and talking. Each of us is gonna go to bed early. Tomorrow we´ll go to the christmas morning service at the Tikka congregation house.

I got both presents I wished for: Paolo Coelho´s new book "Zahir"and "The Hitchhiker´s Guide to the Galaxy"-dvd.


MON 26.12 at 11:46

I´m spending quality time by myself in my home after spending yesterday evening and the night at Tony´s. This evening I´ll return to Kangasvuori. I´m a little bit in need of pills, but I can´t take ´em yet, ´cause I´m driving. I´ve got five Temestas and eleven Tenoxes in my stash. The fact that I´ve got these pills probably will be revealed, but it´s likely to be revealed at a point when it´s too late for them to do anything about it.


At 18:16

Back here in the mental home, feeling fine. I did take five Temestas today, but that was not enough to fly me to the moon. We ate, and I took a nap in the afternoon. All the cigars were smoked.

Now that I´m back in the looney bin, I´m eagerly waiting for the medication change to take place. The hardest part of it will certainly be having to let go of Zyprexa; I mean that not getting it might be the one thing to cause side effects, even cold turkey.


At 21:38

I just talked with a guy, who has it a lot worse than I do. He rolled me a fag. We talked in the smoking booth, from where a nurse came to fetch us to get our evening meds. My dose of Leponex has been lifted to 75 mg / evening. Yet the other medication is still as it used to be (they haven´t yet started to rub Zyprexa down). I´m fine with that.


TUE 27.12 (DAY6) at 12:52

I´m really enjoying myself here. This morning was once again a hard one to get out of bed, but I eventually did… at about half past eight. I had a cup of coffee downstairs, and went to the main building to keep my appointment with the gym coach. We played badminton for about 45 minutes. It got me feeling good, but not sweating.

After lunch I had a cup of coffee at the cantine, and eventually bought a pack of fags from the kiosk at the mall.
Oh yes, and I spoke on the phone with miss Theosophy, a (phone-)friend of mine, before lunch.

I´ve been feeling drowsy today.


At 18:39

Boy, did I just have an adventure! At around three in the afternoon I went on a walk that took me to pastures new and lands strange. I ended up in the middle of nowhere, where I could hear the ringing in my ears. From halfway through I kept calling my mom, who was supposed to come and see me. Eventually she picked me up from a suburbia far away from Kangasvuori. She was a little annoyed. She made me promise that I´d never do it again.

I just took a warm shower. This week I´ve got the task of preparing supper with some other guy whom I have never seen. I´ve got a feeling I´m gonna go to bed early tonight – after all, I did a three hour long fast paced walk just now.

Tomorrow morning I´ll take Tenox, and go to town to get more of it.

At 20:16

What about this life of mine then? Ijust keep running away from my real problems. I´m 27, and I´ve lived this life just for myself, padding myself on the pack along the way. I´ve been living a double life: Inside wanting to believe I´m a nice guy, but growing ugly on the outsile, the way other people can see.

Lately I haven´t searched for any big wisdom or answer, but it´s plain to see that I need to "get in the game", take part in the functions of this society, to study or/and work. Practically it´ll be the Clubhouse that´s ahead after this.

What is my road in life? Obviously I can´t know if I do nothing, go nowhere and meet no-one.

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PART TWO: RESENTMENT

WED 28.12 (DAY 7) at 10:04

Dammit! My Tenox scam was revealed! I shouldn´t have talked about going to town at all. Itwas revealed to my mom. So instead of going to town today, I´ll be going to the Pirttijärvi summer cabin with my dad.


At 12:53

So I ended up doing what my parents told me not to do: I rode the bus to town and went to the pharmacy, but a little too late, ´cause a doctor had called there before and probably said: "No more Tenox for this man". And anyway, I made the best of it by having lunch at Ali Baba and a genuine cappucino at Wayne´s Coffee.

I wrote an angry text message to my dad, and now I know I won´t retun my parents´calls. I´m fed up with being like an animal in a cage here. I need specialities. This time I´ll stand my grounds and be mean to people if I have to-. Now I´m on my own.


At 13:42

Would you believe this! A couple of nurses just woke me up and went through all of my stuff in search for Tenox. It was like directly from a TV police series. But alas, they didn´t check my pockets, whrere I´ve still got some. In a while the doctor will come to talk to me. This makes me feel like a villain. But it also gets me amused.


At 14:44

I was just downstairs in the doctor´s office, and she made quite a speech to me. The situation led to me handing my last remaining Tenoxes over to her, the ones I had denied I had. What a bummer! Now they´re monitoring me and going through my things regularly, just in case I would have acquired more from "the black market". It wasn´t a pleasant conversation. It came to the point of my treatment here being at stake.


At 17:00

I´ve begun to be sick of and disgusted in this hospital thing, the way things go here… The morning awakenings, all the meals and the rules. It´s so limiting. I don´t know if I should even QUIT this, and try to change meds in civil life. I´m so fed up with this.


At 22:12

Well, things have quieted down here since this afternoon. Tony came to visit in the early evening, and after supper me, the big guy and a woman watched "Tommy" from video. The big guy and the ladies of his age here have their own stuff, their own circles and their own humor. The youth in this place is pretty quiet. After all, this place is like a resthome.

Maybe it was good that the exposure of my unorthodox pill use was revealed NOW and not LATER. Maybe now I SUBMIT to the way they do things here. Maybe now I´ll ACCEPT the facts and musts here. Maybe now, after a rebellious phase, I´ll CONFORM.


THU 29.12 (DAY 8) at 12.07

It´s once again the longest part of the day – the time from lunch to dinner. I´m reading the Paolo Coelho book "Zahir" that I got for christmas.

This morning I was once again too tired to get up for breakfast. I went to meet the sport coach to the main building, as scheduled, and she wauted while I had morning coffee at the cantine. Then, instead of going skiing, we went for a walk, during which we talked a lot. After the walk I began to feel a little depressed.

Just now my mom called and said she´d come to visit this evening. I also had the chance to apologise to my father about my ruthlessly pissed off text message to him yesterday.


At 12:26

Boredom is starting to eat its way into my being. I´d even like the drastic changes that the increase of Leponex would bring, instead of this. I´ve been here for nearly two weeks, and it is at least some kind of consolation that I´m halfway to getting out.


At 16.47

I´m really starting to get fed up with this place. I don´t like to be a sheep.

This afternoon I took a nap, after which I felt better. After wondering about for a while, I went to buy a pack of coffee and a carton of juice from the market. After I had coffee, I watched the rest of a movie we had begun to watch with the big guy. As I was watching it, an old man (who actually turned out to be a year younger than my dad) told me practically his whole life story… and I kindly listened.

It´s like they´re making my time here longer just to bug me.


At 17:12

As if through a reservation, just now, a nurse came to my room, and we went downstairs to measure my blood pressure etc. I had her check my medication change schedule, and I learned that I´ll be getting 100 mg of Leponex this evening, and the dose will grow during the weekend.

The communication and the way of them running things inside this house is obviously poor. I liked it here for the first week and a half, but now I just want to get the medication change done.


At 19:15

I was just to Citymarket with my mom, and developed a chaotic, stiff feeling there. Afterwards we sort of talked, and I was confused and far from the state I was in when I started here. I eventually got a nurse to give me two Temestas. I larned that you CAN get as much as three at a time. I´m too timid and confused to go down for supper, that I had to prepare, though (and we did have a donut at Arnold´s with my mom).

Every now and then something upsets me, and I stay upset for a while, and then recover. In my teen years I used to go down, but these days it´s different… like getting concerned… or bothered… or worried… and my peace of mind gets disrupted. It´s usually the whistling.


At 20:42

If I am to become a writer, the second task is to put all these after the psychosis-texts into covers, and then maybe move into some more philosophical realm again. I know that if I played a writer some more, my life would be as meaningless as ever – I mean that I would get no contacts.

I´m either completely happy alone, or then I just end up in that situation, ´cause I don´t get along with people.

I thought this hospital time would change me – but believe me, I´m more than willing to keep hold of my opportunity to sleep late; it´s part of the life I choose.

But would those days as a writer be like this: I wake up at 9:30, have morning coffee and cigarette, and start writing, having a cigarette every half an hour? Then, in the late afternoon, submit to watching TV for the rest of the day? No contacts, indeed.

And would I then continue to take tranquilizers everytime I go to public places? Would I still avoid people and go on the same way I´ve gone for the last two and a half years? Is that demanding too little from myself? Certainly it´s not a desirable direction to go. The clubhouse, instead, IS.

Sure I have a dream about writing something deeper, philosophical or even spiritual… or then just my notions in life… at some point. But those things can hardly grow in a vacuum. Yet, I could write them just for myself, ay?

Tomorrow will be a joyous day, ´cause I´ll get to go home, and Tony will come over for the night.


At 22:12

Blimey this Leponex kicks in! It makes me both love it and hate it.


FRI 30.12 (DAY 9) at 9:12

This morning my favourite nurse woke me up at half past six, telling me I had a blood test scheduled at seven in the main building. By breakfast I was really hungry, and I ate a versatile breakfast. At around 8:30, the old man came to ask me top smoke a cigar with him, and we fetched my next door neighbour. Then, threesome, we smoked a fine mexican cigar each. Just now we had a floor meeting. There would have been a conversation group downstairs, but I was too tired to go.


At 12:56

Now I´m just waiting for my lab results, so I can get out for the weekend.

The whole ward seems to be asleep. There´s only one nurse. Snoring can be heard from the rooms. There´s nothiong good on TV. The TV rooms and corridors are empty. I´m just waiting.


SUN 1.1. 2006 at 19:35

Back here in the mental house and feeling fine. The good feeling was probably brought on more with the aid of a nurse who talked with me after I returned more than an hour ago. And the weekend´s holiday, though spent mostly sleeping, seems to have helped a lot – now I´m feeling up to anything, even ready for the suffering I may have to face with this medication change.

The Leponex has really started to kick in. Last night was the first night when I my soliva production was so intense that I drooled all night. To add to that, I´ve been feeling a little sick… and very tired – all of them side symptoms of Leponex. They haven´t yet decreased my dose of Zyprexa, though.

I´m feeling like writing more. The people who have read my book all complain about the long philosophical ponderings in it. And actually, if this book isn´t liked… or even READ, I´ll hardly write another one.

I don´t yet know how my days will begin to take shape after I get out of here. Of course, once again, the big bad CLUBHOUSE is there haunting behind my back. Maybe I´ll start going there, maybe not.

But let´s face it: I´m a madman. And a madman can only do so much besides being a madman. But the fact is that I can still function in this world, and surely going to the clubhouse would take me to the right direction.

Anyway, now, back from my weekend holidays, I feel refreshed and up to it. And I´m looking forward to days here. Tomorrow I get to go skiing with the gym coach.

I´ve been here for two weeks, and two weeks are probably still ahead. I´ll make it just fine.

I guess that one, after conforming to this place, could live their whole life here. In Heinämäki, you can. If I don´t have any place in this world to go, I might be able to go there. But at this point, I can manage at home. And home is always the best place!

But now I´m in a crossroads, where I could choose differently: I could choose to start going to the clubhouse. I would also get a nutricious lunch there (for 2 euros).

I think I have just about now come up with a truce with my vices and flaws – my stupid habits and games. Now I feel like I can just let go. Now I feel I can do what I like without anything really tieing me down. I like the place I´m in now, mentally.

A friend of mine brought me a pipe of snooze from his cruise to Sweden. Now I have three pipes left. Maybe after this time in the hospital I´ll stare smoking and writing again.

Maybe I shouldn´t think of the writing as something to do for others – maybe I should just do it for ME!

I tested the personell here today: I had used all but two of my Temestas, and I thought I´d wait until they´d ask me if I had used them all, but they didn´t, so maybe from now on I´ll use ´em all during my weekend holidays.

It would be an ideal situation if I, after getting out of here, got Tenoxes for nights, as usual, plus Temestas for days. Then I would party!

Tony has lately grown colder and tougher than before. But I wouldn´t want to have him try to be in a certain way in my company, other that he is; I wouldn´t want him to pretend. These past days he´s been planning on going to work abroad. Good for him. Even if that means I´ll lose my only friend, I don´t mind.

I kinda like this situation: Them messing with my brain with these meds, and me wallowing away for the dayshere, half asleep. I was just downstairs to get my meds, and they´re already kicking in. I kinda like it.


MON 2.1. (DAY 10) at 12:55

I´ve been having a totally drowsy time today. I don´t really mind the fact that Leponex makes you tired. Anyway, in an hour I´ll be trying to ski.


At 14:53

Well, we didn´t ski, ´cause the coach said the weather is bad for that, so we went walking instead. Once again I missed the "department meeting".

If Leponex tires me out like this, I´ll at least have a good reason to sleep late, and be idle.

I do feel uninspired… to read, write, or socialise. Maybe I´ll watch a movie. I do get kicks out of Leponex.


At 15:38

Like this the hours and days pass here. It´s a mundane existenze. This is a kind of place where one might stay forever, and leave their brains back at home. Here you don´t have to think. Here everything is balanced and mild, like milk & porage. And you can either enjoy it if you take the right attitude… or you can SUFFER!

I´ve been here for two weeks now, and probably will have to be for another two. I just want this gotten over with. You could say I have a love/hate relationship with this place, even though i got to as gentle a place as I possibly could. Everythiong is clean and nice here, including the people.

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PART THREE: THE BLISSFULNESS OF BEING ILL

TUE 3.1. (DAY 11) at 19:30

This was by far the drowsiest, laziest, weakest day here so far. I just lied down all day in a stupor, and whad ´ya know – everybody was calling me and coming to my room all day long

Around noon, the old man, Omar, came to stop by, and offered me a cigar. And whad´ya know, right after I had to go play badminton with the gynm coach. this time it was harder on my physics.

Towards the evening I developed a high fever, which made my already poor physical state (probably due to Leponex) worse. Anyway, the parasetamol they gave me helped. I found one dose of Finrexin in my bag too, and I just drank it.

The reasons for my fever may be various: The fact that I had my window open for half the night (and was wearing panties only), the Leponex (as an anti-reaction) and the fact that "it´s around".

I´ve noticed that some people treat me like "mister big mister", probably because of my beard and my "bigness" which is enhanced by my big coat. There has hardly been any whistling, but that hasn´t erased my tension; actually it might even release it.

Today I didn´t even use snooze by day, because of all the weakness. A nurse stopped by in the early afternoon and told me that my Zyprexa dose will start decreasing as the Leponex dose is increasing, starting this evening. From now on I´ll also get some in the morning.

My mother came to visit me at around 15:30. It was not a good visit, but tomorrow at 10:00 I´ll have my first treatment meeting, and my mom is gonna come there.


At 19:04

I know there are lots of folks who can´t function normally without a normal daily rythm with its duties and goings. I´m a different kind of a person. I´ve been living an idle life now for 2 ½ years, and, as I´ve said before, it´s the only lifestyle that fits me in the long run.

And now that I move on to Leponex, despite the good things everyone has to day about it, it may make me even more tired, so I have an excuse not to go anywhere.

Early this morning they woke me up for a bloodtest again, that took place in the laboratory, in the main building.

Just now a nurse stopped by to measure my temperature and talk a bit. I told her how I had been, and there didn´t seem to be any trouble.


At 19:36

I don´t know why I still have this irrational fear... the fear of people, mainly. I wait for each meal in terror, only to notice each time that there´s nothing to fear.

But at least now the medication change is in progress, so my reason for BEING here is being fulfilled.

My mind is cast upon the days of my past - the Lapinjärvi place, and how I felt back then (early ´98), for instance. Then I was in an institution too. Then there were the sunny days of 1999 in Joensuu - a time when I used to live and feel more than I´ve done recently. But I´ve got my pills, and sometimes it seems they´re all I live for. Give or take, my present life, although it resembles one´s retiremet days, is fine for me. But will I live like this for the rest of my life? It´s a win/lose situation like any other... But in this case the benefits are so good that I can´t turn it down. I´ll probably END UP living this way, like I´ve ENDED UP doing or not doing everything else.

Last summer was "free ad easy". I liked it. But this winter ain´t bad either.

I´ve got a lot of things to be happy about. I don´t know if I´ll dare to go on a trip to the south with my folks almost a year from now, but I´m thinking I might... if I have enough tranquilizers to take with me... so I might have a real Temesta week there. I don´t know if dr. Carrot will write me a prescription for Temesta after this hospital perioid (I think she´s likely to write Oxepam instead). But I know I´ll be alright.


WED 4.1.(DAY 12) at 8:11

Another morning, another day. This time I feel alright (and it wasn´t too hard getting out of bed either) In the middle of the night, at around 1:30, I woke up and went downstairs to ask for hot water for my tea + parasetamol (for the fever) and Tenox (for sleeping). The night nurse was an elderly man, very nice and respectable.

This morning a golden-hearted nurse gave me three small cartons of juice for my flue. Mos of the nurses here ARE really golden-hearted.

In just an hour and a half, my first treatment meeting since I got here will begin.


At 11:19

Looks like I´m facing a tough change: Not only do I have to give up Zyprexa, but also Temesta and Tenox. And I think I can do it.


At 12:57

I was just downstairs, taking part in a discussion group led by a female priest. Everybody in the group spoke a completely different language than me - their talk was just like in all the articles in women´s magazines. I spoke when spoken to, and decided to leave my own insights out of the conversation.

On my way back up I had a somewhat pleasant surprise: One of the guys from last spring´s social group, has come to this ward.


At 14:49

My nurse was just here, and went through the letter that had arrived from the central hospital, and explained to me what I´ll have to do. Then we talked about my problem, and she said she wasn´t convinced that I was being real... and she was right, I do pretend. She spoke to me about being in a group - the contrast between my own life which I always justify, and a more social life, once again. The conversation left me feeling worse. Maybe I´m to meet my demons this way.


At 15:11

I just did something questionable: I went downstairs to get two Temestas, and after that took the two I had left from last weekend. I haven´t asked for Temesta even nearly every day, so they give it to me usually without further questions. But of course I can´t get kicks with just two Temestas. So now I took four, which may soften things up towards the evening.


At 17:00

I´ve been having a very drowsy, lazy, babylike mundane and vain existenze here in Kangasvuori. On thing I´m sure of: If I have even a little bit of faith, I could count on God and have peace of mind. And through that I might finally make myself go to the clubhouse.


At 17:41

In a way, this might be one of the best times of my life, because everybody´s taking care of me in various ways.


At 19:39

This half-asleep-drowsy-lazy-sick state is in a way the best you can get in life. A certain kind of "letting go".


THU 5.1. at 15:49

This morning I once again had to go to the blood test (made it barely). After breakfast we all cleaned our rooms, and then I went walking with the gym coach. Pretty soon after that, a nurse came to measure my blood pressure, heart rate (high again) and temperature (that had dropped). I got my mother to come pick me up at 10:30. After we got home, she coocked spaghetti with minced meat sauce.

My father just came home, and in a couple of hours we´ll order pizza. Tomorrow I´ll go to Tony´s, and in the evening we´ll go to the movies to see SAW 2.

For the time being, I feel okay. Starting from this evening, I won´t be getting Zyprexa anymore. We´ll see if there´ll be side effects or even a cold turkey-type of situation. I´ll already be getting full dose of Leponex tomorrow evening.


At 21:16

If there´s someone or something I can´t lie to, it´s my diary. The life I´ve been leading for the past 2½ years doesn´t come without a cost. The cost is alienation. It´s still somehow alright if it has in the end gone on for those 2½ years, but the probability is that it´ll still go on.


SAT 7.1. at 17:11

I had my little weekend holiday which I spent sick - merely lying down, watching TV, ingesting pills and drinking warm juice.

Anyway, being ill like this is also somehow great... and delightful... when tou know all you need to do is rest.

I´m now back in the ward, and I actually felt instantly at home when I came here. My Leponex dose has by now reached its peek, and the Zyprexa has been dropped.

Last night me and Tony went to see "SAW II". I slept through most of it, and eventually we left in the middle of the film. I don´t have any recollections, because I had quite foolishly taken pills (Tenox and Temesta) before that. I stayed for the night at Tony´s, and my mom came to pick me up a little after we´d gotten up. We went to McDonald´s to get some junk food for me.


At 19:38

I´ve grown to kinda like this place - it´s so mellow here. I suppose many people COULD live here... but then they´d get used to all this and take it for granted.


At 19:47

Tony just called and said he´s more depressed than ever. Deep inside I think it serves him right.

My medication is now in the state it´s going to be from now on. And I´ll be here for less than a week - maybe that´s something to be glad about... or not - I don´t know how I´ll manage my life from then on - will I go to the clubhouse etc.


SUN 8.1. ( DAY 13) at 13:45

I´ve been practically sick and tired all day, in fever a little over 38 C. They even brought my food to my room!


At 16:29

It won´t be that long anymore ´til I get out of here. In fact the week that starts tomorrow will be my last here.


At 16:43

My time here in the mental hospital this time has been about as gentle as it can be. I just went downstairs to deliver another container of my urine (to do with the health inspection & other physical measurements etc.). And the male nurse who I have been afraid of, was there. And it ment a lot to me to find that HE DIDN´T MEAN ME ANY HARM!


At 19:00

I just had an early supper due to the tests they take of me (tomorrow, I presume). My fever has finally let go of me, it seems. And, indeed, there are very few things to match the feeling that you have when you´ve been ill or in pain for a long time - and then it STOPS... although I did experience this fever as a rather pleasant state.

This afternoon my parents stopped by, and we ended up doing a little drive and a little walk.


At 19:55

The nurse I used to fear was just here to measure my blood pressure, and was actually NICE to me. This meant a lot to me.

To go into what I´m to do with my life now, it seems obvious that I´ll keep living the way I´ve done so far during these more than 2½ years... but IS THAT ALL I WANT?


MON 9.1.(DAY 14) at 13:29

Well, this has been a hunger day, hasn´t it? I was woken up by seven to go to the lab to deliver my urine and to have my bloodtest taken, and I didn´t have a proper breakfast. I had looked forward to getting to my parents´, where my mother waited with food, and the people here made me wait and wait all day. Now I´m really hungry and annoyed at the stuff here, even though the last week here wast to be looser.


At 16:58

I just did what the doctor specifically told me NOT to do: I went to town to eat at the pizzabuffet. Tony joined me there and was very different than usually. It seems he´s got some unfinished business with himself.


At 18:23

It´s so funny that while in the hospital, I had to get sick - only physically. So they keep taking more and more blood tests and analyzing them, writing reports and contacting more parties into this. To me this all seems like much ado from nothing, but on the other hand, there MIGHT be something wrong with me physically.


At 21:20

Two more whole days to go and I´m outta here. On thursday, at 14:00 we´ll have the goodbye-meeting, but after that I´ll be undergoing physical examination and possible treatment.

I´ll hardly start smoking again... but the snooze won´t last long. This could be a good time to quit it too. But to kick a habit is always tough when it sits so tightly in you. But still, habit is better than addiction.

It would be really swell if I could drop all my habits now, including the mind games. But instead of thinking ABOUT them, the road out of them is likely to open by NOT thinking about them. It worked five years ago: out of mind - out of life.


TUE 10.1. (DAY 15) at 8:22

This morning I once again had to go to the blood test. Now breakfast has been had and begins probably the most enjoyable section of the day: the time between breakfast and lunch... because I don´t have to go anywhere.

The closeness of my departure from here makes my being here easier... to know that soon it is over.


At 11:31

Late this morning I participated in a discussion group, where there was only one patient to add to me, a middle-aged woman. I think I managed to make a couple of important points in the conversation. After that I took a shower and went to eat. It´s a sunny day. The presence of the male nurse I have feared in the cafeteria made me fearful and self-concious, but he didn´t whistle. He might be fooled by my beard.

I´ve noticed that DOUBT is now my biggest sin. Not only doubt towards faith and spirituality, but also doubt towards people. I fear people´s judgement... I certainly don´t think I´m a nice guy... at least not anymore.

So will I choose life by myself, which is the easy road, or will I reach out from my world into the common world? And will I be using pills from now on, the way I´ve done so far?

During the beginning of the 21st century I´ve seen both music and movies get better, and I realize the aspects of this new generation that has on the other hand taken the Internet for granted as well as movies like "The Last House on the Left" being available on dvd, and that on the other hand creates new and exiting things and producing new kind of people, "new school", if you will. However, I don´t know if I feel part of this new era with its new stuff. Does it make sense that every new generation has to suffer less than the previous generation, as if they were more innocent but yet more advanced?


At 12:25

I don´t think that religion is even my cup of tea, even though I would have a basic faith within me. Maybe I´m more of a philosopher.

I haven´t had a crisis and I haven´t LOST anything in such a long time, that it makes me wonder even if my lifestyle or my thoughts are right after all, and even if God likes me.

Anyway, I´ve always seeked special treatment, and maybe my biggest sin is to think I´m somehow special, and therefore deserve a kind of a VIP-pass in life.


At 16:13

In the afternoon I did a walk to the Citymarket, to Arnold´s Donuts, and had two donuts with coffee. They filled me up. Soon after I got back, my mother came, as expected, and just as we were leaving to do shopping, the call from the doctor arrived. He talked about an infection and ordered me to rest for now. He put me on antibiotics.

Tony is soon coming to see me. He has lately been severly depressed.


At 17:53

Tony was just here, and during his visit I got a hell of a cough, so I went downstairs to get some medicine for that. Not long from that, one of the nurses came to test my blood pressure and listen to my breath. This might be a cause for an alarm.


At 18:13

Guess what! They´re sending me to the central hospital NOW! Now once again the fact that I didn´t eat gets revenged.


At 19:13

I´m just waiting for the ambulance here. I wouldn´t have thought in a million years that I´d be riding one during this period of hospitalization. Hopefully I´ll have time to have supper before that.


At 19:49

Now I´m in the central hospital just waiting to be examined, among all these people who are really sick. A nurse just came to tell me about the proceedings. She said it would be better if I lied in a bed.

There´s a young woman next to me who is obviously in great pain. The TV´s on and there is talking.


At 20:29

I´ve been sitting here feeling super awkward. I reckon that this is one of those things that "shock me" sometimes and causes an unpredictable result. It´s a nightmare.


At 23:14

Still here. But the first hours were the worst. About 45 minutes ago I was called to X-ray, and the woman there said it would take all night. Then I called Kangasvuori about my dismay over this situation.

I managed to get my evening medication and even some food, so I´m doing fine. Now I´m just waiting to see the doctor, so I´ll get back to kangasvuori. It may still take hours, though.


At 1:19

So I finally got to the doctor after being painfully tired for some time. The doctor pondered over my X-rays and other test result for a while, and seemingly uncertainly decided it was lung fever. He was a young, obviously inexperienced doctor, but I DO feel like I might have lung fever. I came back in a cab (instead of an ambulance).


WED 11.1. (DAY 16) at 11:47

So now I´m ill, now I´m really ill. I can´t move much; they bring my meals to my room. This is however a very blissful state... when all you can do is rest. And REST is what I like!


At 18:28

My father was just here, which was awkward. I got my dinner about an hour late, but the point is that I GOT it.

I haven´t shitted in many days. It´s because of thr Leponex.


At 18:57

Well whad´ya know. I just had a huge dump. I´m listening to the christian radio station. I shouldn´t neglect gospel music, ´cause it´s usually pretty good.

My big problem, the problem of facing people, is bothering me. It´s hard for me to look people in the eyes and act naturally. It´s just that in these solitary moments the problem is away, so I don´t ever really write about it to my diary. Everything is fine in usual life, but everytime something comes to shock me, the illusion of things being alright is shattered.


At 22:05

I´ve been shitting like hell this evening. First it was hard, then it became wet. This evening I wrote a short story, "Panoilta". I just got my Tenoxes, and the nurses will wake me up at two at night to for me to ingest my penisilin. And tomorrow morning, once again, there will be a blood test.

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PART FOUR: NEWLY FOUND TEMESTA AND GETTING OUT... NOT

TUE 12.1. (DAY 17) at 8:10

So this is it: It might be my final morning here. Today at 14:00 there will be my "release meeting", that my mother too will participate in.

I feel pretty good... and I feel pretty good about everything right now. I´m glad if I get out of here, but I don´t mind if they want to keep me here for as long as sick... physically.

The mental hospital for now has been to me a very nice place, and everything has been gentle. I haven´t made any new friends, but then, I don´t know even if I would have if I had tried.

Ah, but the amount of pills I have to swallow! I have my Leponex, the rest of the Zyprexa, the two different antibiotics, then my Tenox and if I need, the Temesta.

I hope I´ll get Tenox and Temesta in my upcoming civil life (even though I don´t need them),´cause I´d love the chance of getting high on them occasionally.


At 12:01

Now I´m feeling joyous! It´s a sunny day that already tastes like spring. I couldn´t eat much, but I went to the cafeteria of the hospital to have a coffee and danish. The gym coach was there and we chatted.


At 15:58

The doctor´s meeting took place this afternoon, and he let me go on a many day vacation. Now I´m at my parents´place and everything is happy.


At 20:49

My belly´s full of air, and I can´t each much. I spent the evening watching TV


FRI 13.1. at 20:42

Things are looking fine. Tony´s here at my place and we´re both already in beds because of the Temesta.


SUN 15.1. at 12:01

Ah, Temesta, sweet Temesta! Temesta days are here again... maybe for just a short moment, but... at least I get the TASTE!

It´s funny how lately I haven´t been able to tell day from night, one day from another or the day of the week.

Yesterday my mother got mad at me ´cause I had taken four Tenoxes. She was here to watch the movie "Little Buddha" and we picked up kebabs.

Just now I took ten Temestas.


MON 16.1. at 18:21

Thanks to the Temesta, I don´t remember much about yesterday... Anyway, now I´m back in the bin - possibly (or even PROBABLY) for my very last night.

I´ve been very tired lately... and I DO like it. This way my natural laziness gets to be called a medical condition.


TUE 17.1. (DAY 18)

This may be my very final day here, and I believe it will. This morning I was woken up for blood test at 6:30, and I spent the morning in the usual, drowsy state, in my bed, listening to music.

There are lots of new folks here. I even fantasized of finding a new girlfriend here, but it´s down to me... Maybe the next time will be like previous times: ME being picked up instead of picking HER up.

I´ve actually been praying for more Temesta. I haven´t asked for it in a long time here in the ward, probably because it´s so tranquile here.

I´ll have my leaving meeting at three this afternoon, and my mother will attend it too.


At 13:35

I just had a surprise meeting with a doctor, who DID write me Temesta (that´s the most important thing). During the meeting she took a couple of calls.

Before that I got a text message telling me that the Beatles-dvd box I had ordered had arrived to Airon Musiikki.

Still today I´ll have to go to the pharmacy. I was right: they´re letting me go now!


At 13:47

So now I´m lying here on this bed that, though slept many nights in, remains a stranger, and I´m finally realizing that I won´t be in this place ever again. I´ve packed everything, and now I´m just waiting for my moyher to come and pick me up.


At 19:42

So it occure that as soon as I had gotten my meds from the pharmacy, I got a call from my ward telling me that I was the one unlucky of the hundered, who can´t tolerate Leponex in their system. So I HAD TO COME BACK, just as I did five years ago.


WED 18.1. at 9:09

So I´m here, and I´m being bloodtested. I feel like a little white rat in tests. I´m even considering giving up all the medication because of the Leponex-fuckup. I´m kinda angry at them for it, but then again, it´s not their fault.


At 12:23

Figures have been changing in the sense that I probably won´t have to quit the whole Leponex medication. This evening I even got to go on holidays.


THU 19.1. at 19:02

Just got back to the ward from a one-day holiday, during which I watched my new Beatles-dvd´s. Yesterday I also took eight Temestas, but they didn´t affect me. I remember everything, and I didn´t feel funny either. So now I´m back, and I´m listening to "ATENROCK 16 - Some Like It Cold" for the first time in years.

I didn´t bring any snooze with me this time,´cause soon I´ll be running out of it. I wouldn´t want to start smoking either, but I may have to; nicotineless life is a scary prospect.


At 19:39

I´ve noticed that there´s a lot of new people here, including "Satutäti", whom I met five years ago on ward two. Right now I can´t feel too inspired about being here, so I´ll have to hold on and stick to the holidays they give me. During today´s holiday I already got used to my old lifestyle. I don´t know if that´s good or bad.


FRI 20.1. (DAY 19) at 17:04

Today I´ve been lying around: I heard that tomorrow I´ll have to go to a blood test to the central hospital by ten, and I´ll get to a holiday as soon as the lab results come. The only consolation is that I won´t have to stay here for very much longer.


At 17:21

I just went ahead and smoked the cigarette that had lied on this narrow board in the wall of the corridor for a long time. Well, it did do the trick. I don´t know if I´ll go and buy a whole pack soon,´cause I only have two ten-can pipes of snooze left. Is it really so, that I´ll either have to smoke or use snooze?


Late at night

I just had a conversation with my mother about persuing my dreams and living up to being the man I am... or must be anyway. Think I´ll start being a full reneissance man.


SUN 22.1. at 13:52

I´ve gotten mixed up with the days: the previous day was saturday. And tomorrow I´ll have the nutriment discussion with somebody at the health station. And on tuesday I´ll already have an appointment with my therapist in town.

I just called Kangasvuori, and they were all clear with these things. I also got an open promise to get out of there soon.

I´ve got my Temestas (I took eight yesterday - didn´t affect me, so I had to take more) and four Tenoxes (wouldn´t be wise to use´em now, ´cause I don´t know when I´ll get more).

I got up at already a little before nine this morning, and we´ve been outing at the Muurame summer cabin today with my dad.


At 18:34

Back here at the ward - hopefully I won´t have to be here for a very long time. Tony dropped by this afternoon at my place. Fortunately I didn´t take any Temesta.

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PART FIVE: THE THINKING MAN ARISES FROM THE DUST

At 19:19

I´m reading Paolo Coelho´s "Zahir", and it speaks powerfully to me about what I should do in my life. And I realize, through all my dreams, my inner urges and workings that this is my chance to change.


At 21:10

Everything went fine, I´m radiant. I caught good old Satutäti on her way to supper and asked her to my room, where I gave her my book, "Viisaus/Hulluus",(because the last chapter is about her) and she borrowed it.

To add to that, I got a chance to elevate the big guy´s evening with my Beatles-anthology, including the wonderful rooftop performance from ´69. A couple of other people joined in along the way.


MON 23.1. (DAY 20) at 7:29

I feel like I´m in the supermarket of spiritual choices again: Paolo Coelho´s book is offering the way to go, and Radio Dei is preaching that there is no redemption without improvement. Obviously I´m to do neither.

Anyway, I can´t be a true believer, I can just be a simple one. So maybe I can´t be saved in the true sense of the word, but I can keep my candle burning. I can´t make an improvement, but I can at least be on the light side - or at least think so.

But what makes me think that I should make some grand decision NOW? Maybe because now these things talk to me. And I believe that when they talk to you, it´s time. Still I don´t think it´s time for any grand decision.


At 10:49

I´ve been thinking a lot this morning; thinking about the book I´m reading, Pailo Coelho´s "Zahir", and its themes, thinking about faith and what I should be like. Just now I came to the conclusion that it takes all kinds, and everything is important, even rules and organisations.


At 11:01

Everything in the history of man seems to be an antireaction to the previous thing. And after all it is all just man rising from the dust, making his effort and falling back to the dust. But do we learn? It does seem that every generation is somehow smarter than the previous one.


At 11:54

At this point into the picture steps the aspect of what is important to whom. If something is important to someone, then it is respectable.

I was just thinking on my way from the store, that now I´m armed with this joyousness.


At 12:32

Just now Satutäti walked into my room, and we spent a very mixed up half an hour talking. She returned my book. She was kind of in awe with me as I was with her, but there was no fascination.

Snooze compared to cigarettes is like this: With snooze the pleasure sort of just like creeps up on you, where as cigarettes kind of intoxicate you.


At 19:07

I just got back from Tony´s, where I was to watch a movie (the Yankee version of "Dark Water"). Before that we were to town to eat junk food, just after I had been to the health food instructor at the health station.

After I got back I had to gather my courage to go downstairs to ask for Temesta from the male nurse I´m afraid of.

Well, no longer anything else today than supper, and the night meds. I´m not getting any Leponex for days.

On the bus back here I noticed a bloke I know from MEKU. I started talking to him on the way back, and he said he´d done a number of things since MEKU, where as I´ve done nothing.

Me and Tony had a good time today. Especially I laughed a lot, and we got a lot of silly ideas.


At 20:35

This has been a crazy day, and it cumulated to one crazy idea: I´m going to write my next book about me - yes - but it´s going to be called "Itsensähäpäisy", which is exactly the opposite to ehat I´m trying to do in everyday life - I´m gonna start writing all my inner shit out loud! It´s gonna be huge! Yeah, it´ll be "just the thing for me", as they sing in the song I´m listening to right now - do it like Paolo Coelho did, like he showed me in his book!


TUE 24.1 (DAY 21) at 7:35

The most painful aspect about getting in faith is turning away from sin. It´s also the most relieving aspect, because it´s so final. So am I trying to get in faith now? I don´t know, let´s just say that I´m a serious searcher - I long to find the true nature of things. But maybe there is no true nature of things, but only intepretations. Sometimes it seems that way.

I know there are a lot of things wrong with me, actually EVERYTHING, and I thought that spitting it all out would help... I´m afraid of losing myself if I get in faith. But one thing that it might mean would be the END OF FEAR.

And what makes me think this kind of life would still go on for me? Because if that life goes, my security goes. But then, why SHOULD it go? Because it´s keeping up a lie.


At 8:24

But let´s face it: I WANT TO LEAD A SECURE LIFE AND USE 16 BAGS OF SNOOZE A DAY. I WANT TO! And I don´t want to work 8-16. I want to live at home. And I want to be a free thinker.


At 10:06

I´ve been reading this christmas´papers and magazines this morning and thinking a lot. I think that there are so many different people, movements, ideas, styles etc in the world FOR A REASON. We all have things to learn from each other, and we´re supposed to share our thoughts. The world is changing, and I´m that much of an old school guy that I don´t care much of the Internet, but I do acknowledge some of the themes and problems of the `new generation´. Now it´s an inner war, and yet a common one. Also the older people have things to learn from the younger. Culture is necessary in a profound way. It´s what keeps things moving and in interaction with each other. By all means I should be able to take myself as I am, accept myself and my desires and interests.


At 11:20

I usually fear these social situations, the eating situations, more IN ADVANCE than how bad they feel. Actually I find myself in humoristic moods and end up affecting fear-arising to others instead. What is really strange is that NO-ONE HERE HAS WHISTLED during this whole time, that is now prolonging beyond my patience.


At 11:35

I just arranged a night´s holiday for myself, and to my delight, Tony´s coming over to sauna and to stay for the night! But first I´ll go to my shrink and to my parents´to type clean the opinion piece I just wrote to the local paper.


At 21:20

Well, it happened just as I just told. The joy of coming home was overwhelming. I´m gonna enjoy it so much when I finally get home from Kangasvuori, with or without Leponex. It may still take some time. I´ll be continuing to write diary in english, I guess.

Tony felt sleepy before we were halfway through the film we were watching. It was one of the "Nightmare on Elm Street"-dvd´s I bought for just three euros in Anttila today.

Today in town, I met Tony´s friend, the believer, with his believer buddy, by chance. I showed him the text I wrote for the paper. Later he told Tony that I had acted strange. Certainly I smiled a lot, all the way as I walked through town. Then I met my therapist, with whom I had a good, fulfilling session. Now I´m in bed with snooze in my mouth. I´ve got to wake up tomorrow morning after six to get to blood test by eight. I´ll have a bacon breakfast. Good night.


WED 25.9. (DAY 22) at 13:18

I just had one of the most interesting and important conversations of my life, downstairs, with the hospital priest leading it. There were all together four believers, the priest and me. I won´t go into the contents of the conversation, because I just told all about it to my father on the phone. Phew!

The joy of thinking is so big it makes me want to praise God with it!


At 13:30

I just spontaineously went downstairs to talk about my medication - the prospect of whether it could even be terminated, and was advised to talk to my personal nurse this evening.


At 14:22

Everything seems to affect me so much these days: The Paolo Coelho book, the conversation downstairs and now the Madonna movie I just watched. It was very touching toward its end - I almost cried - it was all about love. It made me think Madonna is truly - if not a great human being - then at least, as in her own words, trying to grow... And the most important thing is that her message is LOVE. How do you really understand love´s importance than through war, suffering and the horribilities of the world? But what is love? It is many things, actually it is everything... light... source... being... caring... sharing. Love is peace. The conclusion truly is love. And even though I could never love in the truest sense, still... I can CHOOSE love... and always REMEMBER love.


At 21:45

Love is the ultimate answer to everything. I made that relization twice before in my life; once in my philosophy diary in `96, another in a song I wrote in `97. Now I`ve finally made that relization in a profound level again, after years of hitting the walls. I only hope I´ll be able to live up to it.


THU 26.1. at 9:31

I decided to have a Temesta day today,´cause the morning was as mundane as ever in the bin. I took fifteen!


At 18:03

Fuck these meds. This afternoon I had a long talk with the doctor, and right there and then I decided to start a brand new medicine - Abilify. It was said to cause a little nausea - well, whad´ya know - after dinner I fucking puked my guts out all over the place! Maybe not Abilify, folks.


FRI 27.1. (DAY 23) at 15:04

In the middle of a desperately miserable throw-up disease generated by all the Temesta yesterday, I decided to spend some normal time for a change: Put snooze in my mouth, listen to music and write some to this diary of mine.

As arranged, I was to the central hospital for heart monitoring this morning, and the answer to my over-high pulse was said to be primarily the medication, Truxal and maybe Zyprexa in particular, but also my use of nicotine and my bad physical condition.

In a way it´s nice to be sick, in a way miserable. The niceness is in the way of being able to just let go, if you´re neuroletically programmed to even be able to ever just let go then. But then, the miserability of it we all know.


At 15:49

I´m tired, sick but happy. I just persuaded a female friend to call me, and she kindly listened to what I had to say, but was being quite lame herself. Then I went downstairs to desperately ask for a night vacation, keeping in my mind this possible evening with my parents. But they said that only day-vacations are possible at this point. Maybe I´ll ask my dad to come pick me up tomorrow and sunday.


At 19:36

I was just downstairs for supper, and boy, did it feel good to get good , fresh, nutricious food into my stomach after a day of hardly eating a thing.

Humor seems to be most people´s way of handling everyday situations with others, and I don´t know why I am a little annoyed and maybe scared of that, perhaps because I find it hard to relate to people on that level; maybe I´m even incapable of that. But that´s not true - just now downstairs I threw humor with a very funny guy (actually he FED me with his humor) whom this small, rather mundane girl was obviously infatuated with. Anyway, I obviously CAN take part in conversations, even chit chat.

It´s the most or second most pleasurable moment of the day, the time after supper (the other is after breakfast), when you get to put snooze in your mouth and write down your thoughts and feelings. Most of the time these days I feel fine.


At 19:51

I still occasionally write song lyrics, but unlike the days of old, they don´t fulfill my needs nor can´t cover everything I have to say anymore; so I have my diary, now in english, and my philosophy.

I just left a spontaneous message in my old friend A-J´s phone, and I hope he´ll call me at some point, ´cause I want to have a conversation with him and catch up with him in the sense of whether we´re still friends or not, like with M.A., only with A-J it´ll be harder.


At 20:05

Would you believe this! A-J just CALLED ME! He had just gotten out of a meeting and was on a bus stop. We talked a while, and I got him to promise he´d call me within an hour. Great!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART SIX: A MOVEMENT IN MANIA

At 20:19

I´m filled with delight! I just found out that the doc hath written me Abilify for the morning and Seroquel for the evening. But that´s not why I´m filled with delight. I´m filled with delight because of everything good in my life and my mind right now - all this new direction.


At 21:41

Phew! What times are these! I just got a hold of A-J in a way I maybe never before have. He was so cool, wise, friendly, everything he can be at his best! And he SAID that he´d still want to be talking to me - that I´d just have to keep "kicking" him. I was overwhelmed to hear that. It was probably the best conversation I´ve ever had, as well as the ones with M.A. on wednesday. Would you believe this? In a few days I have only with my determination won back two of my all time best friends!!!


SAT 28.1. at 8:23

Hello, good morning, happy day! Today and tomorrow I have a day´s vacation from here. I´m glad.

I bloody hell hope that someone will read these diaries in the future, which is, of course, more improbable, because this one is,and probably also the ones to come will be in english!


At 11:21

I want to hide somethind that´s inside of me, and the more I try to hide it, the more it seems to shine out; at least that´s what I think. That SOMETHING seems to be my sexuality, the shade of the old fear that people think I´m gay, and the confusion of how to express my sexuality or even let myself be a sexual person, apart from masturbation, even.

Am I growing up? I think so.


At 21:29

Mission accomplished! I succesfully talked back two (or three) of my old friends. The third, Jethro, with whom I spoke just now, just isn´t going to any direction, `cause he´s just Jethro (the one and only). He did open up a lot, though. I´m satisfied. I think my mania is turning to contentment. It´s good if that happens.


At 22:10

Oh my God, I just did it. I talked to the big bad nurse about my fear for him and revealed everything involved with it! Oh my God! And he was totally fantastic about it. He said there´s no reason for me to fear him. But not only that, we also talked about homosexuality, and he said he was totally cool with it. Wonderful. But it takes a longer time for my fear for him to go away. But this was the beginning, the breaking point that was not as scary as I had thought.


SUN 29.1. (presidential election day) at 8:19

Some people are so humorous and secure in their humour, that they coolly throw "nuggets" of their humour around (like Tony). I, on the other hand, have to struggle to participate in "normal" humour. Me and Tony´s humour is a different thing.


At 16:09

Oh my God, oh man! I´ve bled endlessly to so many people over these past few days - can I still bleed on paper?

I just had the most SHOCKING phone call of my life with Heather. The things we talked about were all pure `it´, but it felt dangerous talking about some things like reincarnation and Satan. Oh dear. I´m gonna try to relax now and get my mind off this endless philosophy and more into music and peace. I´m almost starting to feel sick, partly because of the call, because it´s not safe to talk, even talk, about certain things. The Temesta is kicking in. Good.

Phew! Enough of this talk and writing - now I´m gonna try to relax - later I´ll have to go and vote, and then I´ll have to be back at the ward by seven, or earlier if I please to talk to someone there - and I kinda need that.


At 18:12

I can´t believe this! I knew exactly the right person to call - only she didn´t answer, but called me back, my godmother - and guess what - her voice was exactly the thing I needed - she was so unbelievable nice, open, even talkative - I loved it. And she was honest and relaxed! I sure look forward to talking to her again, because it was honey to my soul, it set me free!


At 20:26

It´s presidential election night, and everybody´s watching the shows concerning that on their channel of choice. I started watching too, but couldn´t concentrate in the long run. Now I´m in my room, listening to my collections, and I just saw from the index of my phone that there are still many people to call and talk to. And that´s what I´m going to do now, in the evenings here especially. There´s obviously a reason to all this - it´s all coming together now.


At 22:05

Things are looking up. Everybody wishes me well. Can you believe that I´m dissatisfied that there is no-one to call at this hour, even after all this talking today. The last ones I talked to were Tony and a friend of his.

I realised about an hour ago that I had talked on my father´s expense all this time. He´s gonna be devastated at the phone bill! But now I must start to sleep, and with the aid of Tenox, I´ll surely manage. It´s gonna be a great week!


MON 30.1. (DAY whatever, I don´t care anymore) At 8:49

Is there any end in sight or ever to be expected to this relentless impulse to be engaged in CONVERSATION constantly? I had a good talk about music with the big guy at breakfast, and of course, I´d like to continue it.

In a little more than a half an hour I´ll have a talk with the hospital priest, and for this hour since breakfast, I´ve been preoccupied with it.


At 11.54

I´ve got a million ideas, themes, topics and thoughts in my head, and if I can´t limit THAT, I should have at least by now seen that there is no fulfillment to be had through conversation, and therefore I should try to limit that part.


At 12:22

To me these days conversation is like a fix that stimulates me and I guess kinda fulfills me for the moment but can´t bring peace of mind.


At 16:54

Came here to the ward in a cab ; a nice cab driver (made my day). Had a talk with the social worker, got the list for the things to take to the social office.

Another great call, another old "friend" uncovered: Jonna from VILMA. This is the way it seems to go these days… I´m only afraid of the phone bill.


At 22.18

It´s time to go to sleep, and behind is a long, two-hour phone call with uncle "Esuli" (at my father´s expense) and a short phone call with Tony, to tell him its highlights.

Now to my condition: Already before the call, after supper, I started feeling relaxed, probably for the first time in a week. The call was interesting, pounding and waving, contradicted, exited, angry… full of wisdom… and even love.

Anyway, back to my condition: I feel better now, I think better now, I interact better now. I´m so full of life, and uncle Esa´s advice for me was to go my own way. Funny, my book "VIISAUS/HULLUUS" is now going to be read by lots of people.


TUE 31.1. At 7:33

Well, now it´s been confirmed, the synthesis of it all: You´ve got to find out WHAT it is that´s your thing and then you´ve got to do your thing. You´ve got to be selfish in the sense of SEEKING your own interest in life to BE ABLE TO FIND `IT´, and years after, when you GET TO `IT´, give back to people, society, world. Something like that. That is, like, kind of "THE MEANING OF LIFE", for, perhaps, the "thinking" people, the "rich" people, you know, people from the wealthy, socially aware and so on countries, anyone, who´s CABABLE OF CHOOSING.


At 8:12

Lately I´ve been exposed to a brand new experience that is undoubtly healthy for me: People ignoring me. It kinda sets me free; nobody is teasing me, nobody is talking to me or looking at me; they´re ignoring me – not intentionally, but they´re probably not interested in me, and I don´t want them to be. Often I talk to SOMEONE, that´s it. I think I´m off sailing to calmer waters now, I hope so.

In the end, what´s most important is WHAT YOU GIVE… or even more importantly WHAT YOU SHARE. And in everyday life people SHARE with HOMOUR.

Seek your own path, said uncle Esa. That´s probably the best, most satisfying advice you can get or give in life. It´s true, but it isn´t the ONLY truth. But you can´t give what you don´t have. (That feels like an empty sentence now.)

Anyway, social courage is most often rewarded. It seems to me that most people are willing to talk under variable circumstances, about variable things. But it´s important to follow your instinct and make contact with people. Contact and communication.

Then to other things. I constantly think how much I want to talk to some famous people, and I know why; on the other hand I understand the importance of FEEDBACK, and I actually think I´ve got something more poignant to say for instance to heikki Silvennoinen than the regular fan. And, for sure, a conversation with him would be exremely stimulating.


At 13:53

I was at home, and now I´m back in Kangasvuori, kinda fucked up. My personal maid is gonna come up after she´s read the philosophy stuff I wrote at home, and at 14:30 I´ll have the doctor´s appointment. I don´t know how I´m gonna keep myself together, `cause at home I got kinda angry at everything and I knew a temper tantrum might be close.


At 14:14

This whole thing is going topsy turvy. I don´t know how to collect myself. Maybe it´s not possible by anything I´m trying now – telling myself to calm down, rationalizing, taking pills, calling people and talking constantly… I gotta call my dad.


At 19:50

Well, now the mania part is possible over. I´m back on Leponex again and I feel fine, in the sense of being calm.


At 20:19

(My mom just called.) Yes, calm and very tired… and happy. It´s the end of one episode, and hopefully the beginnining of a more stable phase that´ll enable me to live "normally" at home


At 21:09

Another satisfying (but politely shorter) conversation with A-J behind. I also sent Ville a text message, but he didn´t call me (which was good `cause I was on the phone with A-J).

Things are looking up, and I hope the talk mania is going down. It caused a lot of good, though. I´ve got a feeling that even though this "mania" only lasted for about a week, it may leave its mark on me. I mean that some aspects about it may stay on.

For all it´s worth then, I´ll play the hospital game, but I should try to relax more in the presence of people. I don´t know if I can, but I must now say that being in this place is a stress for me, `cause I´m used to be alone at home.

Once again in my life I find myself in a situation where I have many outlets for my thoughts: The phone calls, this diary, the new writing project, the nurses, doctors and priests. But this phase must pass and and remain as a phase. Anyway, I´m glad the creative energy is back.

I´m dreaming of a never-ending phone call
Or an eternal psycho-analysis
But will I ever get it out of me in any way?
Maybe not

Why is it that we have to
Do so much work with ourselves in our lives
That we can´t even live?

I kinda envy people who can
Enjoy just the sunshine and birdsong
And stop in the moment

But I´ve started to improve

I know I can´t have everything
But I have bloody damn much
And even though it´s enough
I must go on
And pursue my dreams

I know I´ll never have
That never-ending phone call
Or the eternal psycho-analysis
But I have music, snooze and philosophy

Eventually you just gotta decide what to do.

I still have that personality problem, you know: Not knowing who I am. In a way I hate myself. I can´t say I love myself in a healthy way. FEAR still runs my life. That´s the ugly and sad truth. But at least now I know what I want to do with my life. Although it may still change.

I´m a prisoner here. But I`ve got to be patient. Maybe two-three weeks still.

Inside I am, like most people at their best, a bright shining star. "Let your dim light shine".

Writing a novel would be just too complicated for me; short stories are fun to write.

I´ve grown to be a control freak.


At 22:09

I have a picture in my mind about what I´d like to be like, but I know I´m not even on the road to that direction. Now it´s bedtime, good nite!


WED 1.2. At 8:16

A new month begins, which means absolutely nothing… except that it´s february, and we´re "one month closer to the spring". The fact that the days grow longer and the sun starts warming more is hugely important, because, goddamit, spring is great, but only `cause it leads to SUMMER!

A-J answered to my question about finding a philosophical "father figure" that I just need to read what´s been written before and see what mistakes have been made before.

But I´ve got a feeling that I´ve just got to write my philosophy for now just to get a lot of things out of me… and maybe the "oldies research" time will come later. I´m not really into READING anyway.

I love this drowsiness caused by Leponex. It matters a lot what you´re on. Most people at most times probably don´t want to be on anything… except alcohol on the weekends.

I may write more today than usual, `cause I can´t go anywhere. Fortunately Tony may come to visit in the evening.


At 8:45

I´m glad that the "higher self", ego, God and Satan can give a break to people sometimes, and they can just lie in peace. I´m ready to exclude those things from my life.


At 9:27

Even if you´re a dreamer, at some point you´ve got to stop dreaming and start doing, if you please to get somewhere with your dreams.


At 11:39

Lunch has been had, and the feeling is good. I have noticed lately that very few people here want to be in contact with me, even look at me, let alone greet me… and it´s probably because of my appearance. That´s OK. So I´m not gonna find a girlfriend here, nor a regular friend, but I am content.

Tony just called and said he´s gonna come and visit me in about an hour. I like that.

So put on a show
Let everyone know
You´re alive
So alive
- Jason Falkner


But far better than "putting on a SHOW" is TAKING PART in simething that exites you, and shining THERE. "No man´s an island". Go figure.

My dad just called and said NO to getting the Internet to my appartment. But for sure a passionate relationship with the damn thing will begin as soon as I get out of here… at my parents´place.

I think that for the second time, or even the first, conciously, I´m starting to live and shine and create. "Don´t dream it, BE it". But I quess it always STARSTS with the dreaming.


At 14:55

Is society the enemy of a free thinker? Should it perhaps be or not? Is it ever possible for anyone to "live outside the society"? I mean mainly here in Finland.

Us normal people… we are the scum of the world.

I was just at a friend of Tony´s with Tony. Laughed some. They went off to town. I came back via the store. The money automat was malfunctioning.

Back at the ward I got my Temesta, and I´m now feeling like a rage attack. If I had one, I´d be off to the closed ward, maybe gradually into the straight jacket, tied to a bed, injected with tranquilizers regularly, my intellect and my philosophy deprived from me.

Yes, maybe society IS my worst enemy.


At 15:52

I´m going DING DONG, on the verge of a rage attack. One tiny Temesta after another from the office, the ever changing, conflicting expression on my nurse´s face. I´m mad.


At 15:36

Maybe I´ll create a scene, uncontrolled, violent, angry, just by accident someday without warning… The warning signs are showing, have been showing since yesterday at least. But then, this is the safest place to flip out. Maybe I have it in me. Maybe I´ll have to get angry… to LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS MY ANGER.


At 16:59

Another heartfelt talk with my personal nurse behind, another calming down somehow achieved. Another time of inner reflection and reporting to the pages of this diary that doesn´t express the bubbling of the fire inside me now nowherw near enough. But all this in words it is. I really truly hope that someday someone reads this diary. I´ll be satisfied even if it´s just me, when I´m older and wiser.

Now I´m just waiting for my mom to come over.

Inside me this "medication change" perioid here at the open ward of the Kangasvuori mental hospital has turned into a struggle for individuality, autonomy, "freedom" and maybe even inner peace… but inner peace is a different thing.


At 17:18

I know it´s not cool threaten the personell here constantly with violence, but it´s not that they don´t take it seriously, but they may not really believe I would be a physical threat, have a rage attack or harm anyone. And I kind of believe I won´t.
They´re being gentle with me; my prayer has been heard.

Is heaven the place where all those
great things can happen
Or can it already be here…
Somewhere, some time?

The threat may not be real. It´s in me, and deep in there somewhere. But one thing I believe: I´m being cared about… somehow.


At 19:42

I sent text messages to three people asking them to call me this evening. It maybe that no-one will call, or maybe an old classmate of mine, but he may call later.

Supper has been had and snooze is in my mouth. I´m not feeling particularly good, but not that bad either.

Well, it ain´t gonna be Jethro,´cause he just sent a message saying he´s too tired. Ville, though, still is , I tink, unaware of my situation, and hides behind his project. Maybe he won´t call either. If no-one will call, I´ll call someone who´s said "call me anytme", like jaana, my mom´s sister or Jonna (from VILMA) or EPI!


At 19.51

Like every sing, every phone call and visit ends too, sooner or later. And so will my time here in Kangasvuori, in time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART SEVEN: ENTER HEATHER

At 20:30

Well, I had one person to call, Heather. She was already getting ready to go to bed, but we talked some. Dig this: She would basically be ready to MARRY ME if I wanted CHILDREN. But my decision about marriage and children is NO. But I´m beginning to think… whether I should try and work at her. But she WANTS children soon… SCARY. She´s been treated bad – I would treat her right. But the marriage and the children… can I be happy with just being her FRIEND?

What if I toy around with the idea – me marrying Heather, us having kids, living where? Living on our pensions, not working or studying, raising crazy kids – two crazy people, us. It´s facinating because then the rest of my life would be programmed. But I, I only think about myself. And I need is my peace and privacy and freedom. And I haven´t actually lived or worked anywhere near enough to be a father. It´s a tricky issue.


At 20:54

Now it´s getting serious. I sent Heather a text message saying "Search your heart and I´ll do the same" about US, you know. DIG IT – this might be foolish. But if we pray and search our hearts, the answer will surely come to us. I´ll surely be thinking about it.
--
She just sent me a very promising text message. This is big, this is huge. I gotta call Tony.
--
I need to do this now: one side against the other.


MINUS:

- Two schizophrenics taking care of two or more children – what happens if the other or even both of us have to be commited to a psychiatrid hospital? Where will we live? What will we do without a car? What will our children grow up to be like? How can Atte and Heather bring their children up? Will we be able to support our whole family with our pensions?

- Will I commit to a life sentence (wife and kids)?

Well, I got my phone call, didn´t I? An old school friend called me and we had an excellent conversation. First I asked him the most important questions and listened, asked more questions, and ended up telling him about getting married. Well, back to the topic…


PLUS:

- I´ll start loving Heather immediately when I get the permission to, a hint even. Besides, I want to "float".
- I´ll surely be guided by nature into taking care of Heather and the children and to be a father.
- This thing may change my life and boost it with a whole kind of love and care. I will love. That´s the most important thing.

NOW, LET IT REST, UNTIL…

Is this another of life´s paradoxes? Me finding my inner freedom in philosophy and then instantly thinking about submitting to a woman who´s intentions are to get married and pregneant, forsaking my ideals, my concept of myself, my fucking backbone for God´s sake and all I know and stand for… The answer is NO, I´ve known it all along, but I just… I´d like to date Heather, maybe even live with her, make love with her and share everyday life with her, but the condition is that THERE MUST BE NO HURRY, NOR ANY KIND OF FORCING ON EITHER SIDE.


At night

I just had a mental clip: I was carrying two full cups of coffee, and then I slipped, breaking both of them. So the message was that CARRYING YOUR OWN CUP IS HARD ENOUGH.


THU 2.2. at 9:32

YES! I believe the heart is winning; winning in both of us, Heather and me.


At 11:32

The doctor didn´t let me go out and threatened me with the closed ward. He´s being decisive about me… at least until tomorrow and my treatment meeting. He says he suspects I go home to take drugs. Maybe I should lie and say I DO and get myself in deep shit. But no-one would ever find evidence. Anyway, they might involve the police into this, fucking bastards.

It´s past lunchtime (I was forced to eat, but I chose to eat everything but the fish). It´s the beginning of the L O N G E S T part of the day that lasts almost six hours. Now I´ve got a feeling I don´t want to talk to anyone… at least here… or even on the phone. Now I´ll just have to pass time here. Sometimes there are days like this. There´s nothing I can do, if I please to please the doc and stay out of the closed ward… but maybe now is the right time to think about Heather´s love; at least I´ve got that possibility in my life now. Besides I´m somewhat pleasurable drowsy from the Leponex and Temesta they give me.

When I get home, I can go to Ali Baba and eat the bacon pasta any time and go to the movies… and do all the other things I wanna do. I´ll be glad if Heather will become part of my life soon. Get a little lovin´going on.

Besides, I´M NOT THE BOSS HERE. The doctor is. He says how it´s going to be.

But I crave for good and greasy, delicious, fulfilling food, movies and… Anyway, this will soon be over.


At 12:37

At some point I will have to put all this analyzing aside and allow myself to live on the feeling. I don´t know if I can, but I hope this over-intellectuality is a passing phase.

The worst thing would be that I couldn´t be set free from my inner demons even with Heather. But maybe a bottle of wine occasionally, especially before making love would put it right. But boy, my "Making Out Collection" might be of use within months!


At 12:50

It really seems like the pieces are fitting into place – everything. If I get Heather´s love, I´ll be the happiest man. And I want to believe I will.

One is fortunate if they find love in their life. I think that the fact that most people do is a sensation that proves that God exists.


At 13:05

I´ve been sending rosy, love-theme messages to my future love a lot just now. Even though I do fantasize about trim young women… I forgot what I ment to write. I quess I wanted to say that I really want Heather now.

I would never want another human being to feel bad about me, but…

It´s an undescribably good thing if someone prays for you.


At 14:52

Cool and calm James Taylor playing on the background and… Nobody´s gonna come and see me today. Maybe I should go and see my grandmother who is presently in treatment on a "physical" ward of this very hospital complex. Might be a good idea.

Now I´ve got to have patience: With Heather especially (I´ve got to be subtle with her) and with being in this place. At least I´ve got lots of good music, this diary and the most important thing, the phone.

It´s wintertime and somehow it´s beautiful and calm… especially when there´s James Taylor playing on the background. Yes, I´m feeling alright.

I´ve noticed that COURAGE in emotional business usually pays off.

Shower the people you love
With love
Show them the way you feel

-JT


At 15:39

I know I must not FORCE me & Heather´s thing, even though I want it so much. You can´t always decide these things, but I see a divine choice here: Either I settle down with the lady and become a regular person, going to the clubhouse, OR then live as a lone wolf to the mass, do my philosophy and jerk off at home. Maybe God presents me these alternatives now, but I´d choose Heather, love and even family life over sitting alone in my ivory tower with my "philosophy".


At 16:20

People need to do what they like. That´s the only way. And as the years and decades go by, we improve and learn to master our thing.


At 16:55

After all, I´ve had a lot of a bloody good time in my life – and not a considerable amount of suffering.


At 17:32

Well, at least the treatment meeting takes place tomorrow at 13:00.


At 19:50

How much happier can I get?, I ask myself everytime I´m blown bigger and bigger with positive things, the most recent and most important of which is my love for Heather. We just talked on the phone for something like an hour (or more). We even talked about our bodies and other taboos, like ITs size. We talked about our future together, and we agreed that I call tomorrow at noon. We´re two lunatics who belong to each other… perhaps by Gods will. Ain´t nothing gonna stop us now.


DEMONS / LOVE

Demons, inside you, inside me
And yet we can share so much love
The demons, they can never win, tou know
They just nibble at our backs and our brains
And make the difference
Between this world and Heaven
Where love is all there is
And that´s where we´ll be someday
´Cause we share so much beautiful
And there the demons won´t tease us anymore

You and me, baby, we have our demons
But we´ll try and put them aside now
As we go on together
Together


I quess this is why we wait, we wait for the right one. I just haven´t had that many relationships in between.

I´m now deciding that tomorrow I´ll go see grandma and tell her I´m in love. Maybe she and Heather will meet someday.

Because of Heather I´m no longer a nobody. I think that from now on less and less I´ll feel out of place, ´cause I´ve got a warm place on my chest. It´s not like all my problems would now disappear and everything would become wonderful and fluffy… but it kinda is – NOW. We´ll need strength and I think I have a lot of strength now.

I think it´s pretty exceptional that two people at around thirty start a relationship by pondering its possibilities etc., talking like ADULTS, like 50 year old divorcing and struggling couples.

It´s so hard for schizophrenics to live their lives "upwards", because the FEARS have got to do with REAL things about life, often with the "self-problems".

I think our love is the Christian kind, so marriage might later be the right thing – it´s only God, and God is good, right? God is love?

This book that I´m writing to now will end soon, and a new diary will begin immediately. And that one, what ever it´s gonna be called (How about "Heather darling"?) is gonna cover our love, no matter how long it´ll last. Who knows what will happen… with our sicknesses and everything. If our demons get in the way of love, we´ll be doomed to go on the way we´ve done before, and that´s pretty miserable.

I like Heather. She prays a lot, maybe too much. Anyway, the reason I love her is that… there is a huge amount of reasons, but mainly ´cause she´s WARM.

Anyway, what pisses me off is that now everybody wants to interfere, give unwanted advice, be besserwissers in love and kind of RULE me and Heather´s love-thing, even though it sure ain´t their business. I do understand the warning about having babies at this point, but I´ve got a mind of my own. I´ve thought things through.

If we think that in a true christian marriage or just in a relationship, everything the couple does is inspired or even controlled by the "divine hand" and it dictates what they do… I don´t wanna be like that. I want to be a free thinker, even though I´d be living with a woman with burning beliefs.

…But wait just a minute! FREE THINKING MEANS THAT YOU MUST BE ABLE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING AND THAT NOTHING MUST BE A TABOO. There´s a goal for me.

Why is everybody saying that I´m so fucking intelligent or talented?… ´cause it doesn´t mean anything.


After 22:00

Thanks to the Paulo Coelho book, my life is now like directly from a Paulo Coelho book. Who knows the love with Heather might become a great love story, an inspiring tale, maybe with ups and downs, but with a happy end… hopefully. At least finally I found someone to love.


FRI 3.2. at 8:34

Boy, did I sleep well last night. I even slept over breakfast in the morning, I was so tired. I´m tired but happy; tired because of these meds, and happy because of Heather.

My dad woke me up with his call. If I´d get to my parents´ to spend the evening, but I doubt I will, it would be nice.

The medication they give you here, you know, makes you conform. You can´t do shit. They´ve got a pill for everything, the meaning of most of which is to keep you mundane, basic, tired and harmless.


At 10:03

I won´t IGNORE the doctor´s (physical doctor´s) advice about a healthier diet and excercise, but I won´t follow her orders. Probably after I get out of here, I´ll be eating all kinds of greasy and tasty foods for a week or two. I don´t care what anybody says… I´m gonna eat.


At 10:15

This is what I´ll do soon: I´ll go to town to Ali Baba and order both the pasta and the pizza. I know it´s crazy ´cause I probably can´t eat all of both, but I want the taste of both… simultaenously.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART EIGHT: THE CLOSED WARD


SAT 4.2. "WRITE BY NIGHT"

So yesterday I cursed at the doctor´s reception a bit, so the doctor arranged me here to the closed ward that I like a lot more than ward 40. My heart is delighted about the love of Heather, and the fact that I got Leponex back, the side effects of which have of course begun, overbearing tiredness and drooling, I don´t mind. Actually I even feel like I could be here even longer.


At 8:13

Drowsy, but brushed up. Had breakfast. The old man I´m sharing this three bed room just freaked out. I just saw him tottering down the hall with guards in both arms. So now I´m alone in this big dimly lighted room with a view to the yard between this and the other identical ward.

It´s so funny that now I´ve become the spokesman for SENSE. But I guess SENSE, common sense is the best way to handle mental issues, especially schizophrenia.

Last night I dreamt that someone was reading a book, and there was a killing. Maybe I killed someone.


At 11:07

I´m pretty fucked up now because of the Leponex. I´m glad they do the medication change fast ´cause I just want to get the hell out of here.

Now, for me, everything is lost and mixed up. Days and times of the day, what I was supposed to write or say, all mixed up. Besides, I´m REAAALLY tired.


At 13:03

Lying alone here in my big, comfortable, lonely room with the wonderful sunshine beaming through the open blinders. It´s peaceful, although some bad singing and music and distant talking sounds come from the corridor or from some room. I´m still tired… but happy.

We just talked on the phone with Heather about the "lamer" stuff this time. After that (and that´s the reason I ended the call), a young woman named Allu came to my room for a while. What I see in Allu is a tremendously exiting woman, who gives off some kind of energy that awakens feelings in me, warm feelings for her. This might end up leading to a "between two fires"-type of situation… but I hope it won´t.

My parents are coming to see me at around 14:30.


At 13:30

It´s the end of this particular book, but the story of my life still goes on. God´s plan was PERFECT. Everything fit to place. I found my woman at 27, pretty much like it was predicted. Everything, I mean everything went right. Now it´s good to be here.

For now, I can´t get out of the ward in any way. But I don´t mind, ´cause this won´t last forever, beside´s Heather´s love warms me inside.

I hope that the next diary will tell the tale of us mutually falling in love and sharing life together.


We´ve only just begun
So much of road ahead
We start out walking
And learn to run

Sharing horizons that are new to us
Taking the signs along the way
Talking it over, just the two of us
Working together day to day
We´ve only just begun

Carpenters



At 13:45

It´s a wonderfully calm and peaceful saturday afternoon her in the looney bin, and most paople are in their rooms, like me. It´s an absolutely adorable sprinwinter´s day, but unfortunately I can´t go out on a walk, even with a nurse.

For the time being, the talking and thinking mania has gone, but at least it resulted to a great thing: Getting into warm relations with Heather.

This diary certainly picks up from where the last diary lef off: It´s the same day, and not many minutes later.

Here in the bin I´ve been missing junk food, pizzas and pastas like hell. I asked my folks to bring me a burger meal when they come to see me within an hour. Probably when I get out of here, I´ll be stuffing myself with great tasting food for a while. But I guess I´ll change my diet to a healthier direction soon.

I love the atmosphere on this ward. It´s so peaceful, even in the sense of talking about "the flow". Most of the inmates are female. I don´t know if it makes any difference.

This is such a peaceful place that I don´t think I could get a "temper tantrum" here, ever. Time feels to have stopped here. And I LOVE IT.

Being here is like swimming in turqoise waters and seeing all its weird fish for the first time, or like a new food or drink that you love instantly when you try it, or when after a long cloudy, rainy perioid the sun shines, or a very impressive piece of art; music, a movie, anything. It´s as if I had entered a new, absolutely fantastic universe… Except that now my love for this ward is awakened by its peacefulness.

It´s like these days I´ve gotten the entire idea of communication and positivity. But I CAN´T BE A FREE THINKER FOR AS LONG AS I´VE GOT FEAR.


At 15:34

The harsh reality is starting to hit me: I´m in a closed section of the Kangasvuori mental hospital with no hope of getting anywhere for a while. And even though this place at least for now feels nice and better than the previous one even, I´m stuck here, and forced to stay here, whether I like it or not.

My parents were just here. I let my tongue sing my stories to them, and especially my dad seemed to think I´m finally crazy. They did bring me a burger, but didn´t stay for long.

But after all, this will only be a short period in my life, and a very good one it has been, mostly because of the thing with Heather.

Besides, it´s so peaceful here and I´ve got my own room, for now, at least. I shouldn´t complain. I can call Heather anytime, and that´s great!


At 16:44

At this point or soon I´ll probablt have to accept the inevitable: Facing the silence.


At 19:05

These days, here in the silent closed ward, I feel something I feel something that feels like the closest thing to SERENITY I´ve felt in years… maybe not since the days of 2000.

I´ve been thinking about Heather a lot. I´ve been thinking peaceful things about me and her; things about sex, about the future, and then sex again. If she can read my mind, she´ll see a troubled young man, whom she can probably heal. The sex isn´t the most important thing… but in my mind it´s become more important than I thought before – I mean with Heather. Of course I do hope for sex (as) soon (as possible).


At 19:37

I´m pretty sure I´ve found the one, but first it takes a lot of patience and then it takes a lot of determination. It takes a lot, but I believe that if we WILL fall in love, the rest is too boring to tell.

I feel good even though I was ashamed for babbling worse that Woody Allen on the phone to Heather just now. But in a strange way I even feel like my love for her has even grown despite the fact that in my head doubt has appeared, and there´s the impatience to see her, fuck her, know her, and yet we´ve planned everything in our minds from the first time we meet to moving to Tampere with the kids. Unbelievable.

I think that right about these times I´m gonna try and quit the over-analysation of me and Heather´s relationship. Maybe now I´m just gonna try and just let go. Surely me and Heather will still make love, talk, drink wine and everything. I like her and she likes me, but can we LOVE? Yes or no, I´m gonna FIGHT for Heather, because situations like this maybe come only once in a lifetime.


SUN 5.2. At 7:07

Last night I slept well, and now, got up early. I love about this place. It´s so unbelievable QUIET. I´m happy about everything.


At 7:49

The phone-calling period was like a cruising time or an unconcious search time that as I "found" Heather. Now I no longer feel the need to call and talk to ALL people.

It seems like people, especially HERE, lose interest in me or begin to fear me, even hate me, or at least see that there´s something wrong with me after a while. But I don´t mind if I don´t make any friends here. But I still have to be here for some time, so I gotta get along with everybody.

Leponex numbs your brain, but it gives you a wonderful rest!


At 12:04

Now the sun has risen to its full bloom and shines through an open-blindered window on a closed ward in the Kangasvuori psychiatric hospital to the room and face of a little troubled, little confused and worried but happy guy. It´s a rewarding moment: After a surprisingly good hospital meal I put some snooze under my lip, and now I´m in this moment.

The only thing that troubles me is that Heather hasn´t sent a single text message today. I´ve sent her two. But I don´t worry, I´m gonna GET HER – this is my chance, and I won´t let it slip away. I`ve got to be smooth so that I don´t step on her feet, but I´ve also got to be a man. Maybe finally I´ll become a "man". I haven´t felt felt like one so far, but in the exitement of my first love relationship I wrote something like: "A boy becomes a man not until he lets a woman change his life". But I do wonder why Heather won´t send a message. She might be coming and going (which is hardly the case), but more likely spending time with her parents, and putting me aside for now. I can dig it.


At 18:45

Dear diary! What a lucky boy am I! I have just won miss Heather´s acceptance for dating, so from now on I`m gonna be her man.


At 19:15

My happiness is indescribable and yet calm and playful, just like Heather who is now my love. In her I get what I´ve always wanted: A girlfriend. But not just a girlfriend, more like a soulmate, a partner and, of course, the closest friend.

It would be a trick of fate if at this point I´d get worse and would have to stay here instead of being able to live a normal life… or a less normal life. Right now I feel like I have regressed to the level of a handicapped idiot. Maybe I prayed wrong once. I don´t mind being here, but I need to proceed with the relationship with my new love soon. That´s the carrot, but I may not get out of here anytime soon. But I can call Heather every day and I can think about her, but we can´t proceed until I get out of here. The sex part is pretty important.


At 19:35

Heather is my woman now. I can´t believe this has happened: She´s the woman of my dreams on the inside, and on the outside. I haven´t even dream I´d get a beauty as a girlfriend. This is the right one.

I´ll probably end up smoking with Heather. After all, I want to experience the kick of sharing a cigarette after sex, lying in bed. There´s so much we can do. But until we meet and see how our connection works face to face (and maybe even flesh to flesh), we´re tied to the phone. I think I´m starting to have strong feelings for her now. And this diary may justify how things will eventually go. Now DOUBT is just an unimployed human feature in my mind. I´m looking forward to get to start loving her, but I´m not hasty; I wait for the practical side of our love with peace in my heart. She´s the one. I´m sure she´s the one for me.


At 20:00

It used to be all about me. Now it´s about me and her… and maybe later about our children. Who knows I might not be able to concieve any… So said a doctor while inspecting my genitals back in my school days. If so, it would be a part of nature´s perfect plan. Anyway, now the possibility of my mom and dad becoming grandparents has gone from pretty much 0% to 50%.


At 20:30

All of this still feels so absurd, like somebody´s death or winning big time in money games. I still can´t believe there´s a woman out there who loves me and whom I love and she wants to be with me and I with her. It´s absurd because I was prepared to go on as usual… and now there´s Heather, my darling, my partner, my big chance to learn to love!

This is most obviously the biggest chance in my life since I got here to Kangasvuori for the first time – getting sick mentally, I mean, then. Now starts a road that might go on for the rest of my life if I´m lucky and flexible and able to learn… and, most of all, love.

It happened the way I fantasized: The pill-popping, down-looking, self-centered and self-restricted and scared young man got someone to love and that aforementioned lifestyle got its end.

I´m dreaming of walking the streets hand in hand with Heather. I´ve been in love before, but now it´s planned by the both of us, and hopefully for the long term.

Here on this ward nobody minds however much of a freak you are. You don´t have to be so self-concious or politically correct here, and the best thing is that here my mania and agitation has turned to a rather beautiful peace.

My road here in Kangasvuori may still be long, but it´s like I´m a baby, preparing to come out of his mother´s womb. But now I see the light, I see the light in Heather. I guess I´m in love.

I think about all the things we could do and probably WILL do if we stick togehter. Maybe sometimes, spending an evening with M.A. and his (whoever it happens to be at the time) girlfriend… or Tony and his. We´re going to be a "different" couple, but we may end up living a similar (social etc.) life to that of my parents.

I think it´s only a good thing that we´ve planned or at least talked abot everything in advance.


MON 6.2.

I woke up early this morning with the taste that I had had nightmares (good that I didn´t remember them).

I´ve been hearing voices more lately, and I´ve been … I guess antisocial.

Anyway, it´s great that now there´s Heather. I´ll be calling her every day for now.

But I decided this morning: The beard has got to go… except for a beard under the chin – that might be manly.


At 7:28

On this ward, there´s not much hope if you´re violent. Even I can´t guarantee that I´m gonna behave. I might get agitated when meeting the doctor who put me here. Understandably I´ve got some antipathy for him.

Today I´m going to the central hospital for a heartagram with the hospital chaufför and a nurse (just to make sure I don´t escape).


At 8:06

There ARE a few things I´m glad about: I´m glad I´m on Leponex, and I´m glad I´m in love. Perhaps I should focus on the beautiful little things generated by this love thing rather than the wrongness in which they treat me here in the mental hospital… Anyway, these are pleasant days, pretty good times.

I don´t know if it would have been good or better or if it would have made any difference if I had been having love affairs all these years I didn´t. Well, I kinda had two (short ones), but if I´m able to keep this one, in a way, it hardly makes any difference. Maybe it´s even better this way… I mean that I´ve still got a certain kind of "innocence" left.

The moment after any meal when it´s snoozin´ time is always the best moment of the day. I´m glad it happens four times a day.


At 12:09

This is a wonderful day. The sun shines and it´s quiet. We´re hanging out with Allu. I´m feeling good.


At 12:35

It´s great to be in the looney bin knowing that there´s a life waiting for you outside. For me… well, Heather.


At 12:51

I sorta feel like as this love thing invades my world; my philosophy is running out of my hands like sand.

I´m not particularly bored… maybe only restless or a little nervous sometimes. I´ve got my diary, my notebook, my music and my phone.

This is probably one of the best days of my life. The atmosphere here and the way I´m feeling are so relaxed and peaceful. I love this… for now.


At 15:15

Another typical phone call to Heather behind. Once more on many occasions I got embarraced a bit; I talked too much too fast, and probably gave off a sense of being "a fool in love". But for now my love for Heather is peaceful and anticipating. Neither of us can afford any more yet, and it´s understandable. But the progress we make comes in the sense of learning each other´s tender spots and, through that, making up ways to treat each other and understand each other when our minds play tricks on us. It would be a shame if this kind of a thing didn´t work. But of course, it would be better to mutually realise that it doesn´t work than one coldly leaving the other, which I think in this case is highly improbable.

So for now all we can do is wait and talk on the phone. Doubt has gone away, but still… I´m not sure. Time will tell. I´m looking forward to making it with Heather. But to get that far, it might take half a year or so. I just hope we´ll share beautiful moments together in the spring and in the summer.


At 16:09

What a difference there is between this (closed) ward and the one I was on before. Everything is different. Ward 40 is mainly inhabited by normal people, but here… there are more or less pure loonies who obsessively tell their stuff to each other again and again, waiting for the hourly cigarette, walk back and forth in the corridors (´cause there is not much more you can do here) and socialise in their own weird ways.


At 19:35

It´s funny how I for such a long time thought that I´d somehow get involved with my one and only, my soulmate, my life partner, and even though such words in at least this stage of this case are rather daring, you must admit that these things DO happen. And of all the millions of miserable twit wankers in the world, I found this kind and warm woman who understands me. So my dream that I didn´t for a long time think I even believed, came true. I´m gonna hold on to her, but treat her well. I think it´s very much probable that she´ll move into my appartment during this year. We´ve talked about it. We´ve talked about a lot of things, including sex and contraception, which is very important. She thinks I´m a clever guy and I think she´s the type of person that surely gets to heaven. We dig each other even though from day to day we have doubts and insecurities. But we´ll work it out.

I want to see our relationship go at least as far as it takes for me to be able to talk about "us". I mean "us" as a couple, me and her, inseparable… together as a pair. I want to experience the everyday life with her… I want to see what it´s like – to live with a woman.

Only that this time it´ll be a case of a schizophrenic man trying to make it with a schizophrenic woman, and in that there are lots of dangers and lots of chances. Well, if I get Heather, I get to live with schizophrenia for as long as we stick together.

We´ve talked so much now and gone through everything that miss Heather doesn´t even see the things that might break us apart. We are not fighters, we´re lovers. She doesn´t think there´ll be any kind of a problem that might shatter our unity; I, then, am more cynical, but I´m gonna love her, all the same.


At 19:33

Supper´s in the stomach (one eaten in a very nervous feeling) and I´m just waiting for good old M.A. to call (because he WANTS to know about my new love).

Tomorrow is the day I get to hear what´s up with my treatment. Then I´ll know everything I want to know, and hopefully, if it doesn´t get me out of HERE, it´ll give me some kind of peace of mind.

Life here on the closed ward, for me, is WAITING, waiting in little particles of time, usually for a chance to talk on the phone, or for the next meal. Some wait for the next cigarette they get from the office once an hour, ´cause if they had as many as they could smoke, they´d probably chainsmoke. I, on the other hand, need something to entertain me, whether it be a phone chat, music, or talking to a nurse or a fellow patient. That´s true, but it´s also true that here I´ve calmed down and ENDED UP CONFORMING AFTER ALL.


At 20:40

Still waiting for M.A.´s call.

I´ve made up my mind: The beard´s gotta go.

It´s plain to see that Heather takes our love more plainly than me; to her it´s not probably such a big deal; after all, she´s been with a lot of men… whereas I feel like a mouse, a boy who doesn´t know how to be a man for a woman… hopefully only after this fine woman teaches him how to.


At 21:14

No wonder that people here are mysteries to one another… because they´re mysteries to themselves.


TUE 7.2. at 6:45

Today I´ll be enlightened about everything concerning my stay here. My Leponex is almost at the max, and I´m behaving well, so I might get home or at least on a vacation soon.

So far I´ve broken a few of the hospital´s rules:
- I´ve used my own pills
- I´ve told everybody about everybody and everything (even though not telling those things is one of the central rules in any confidential job)

A man orders a dish called `patience´. He waits and waits and `patience´ never comes, until…


At 15:18

Oh bore! Things don´t seem to go quite in the way I hoped and expected to go. I´m gonna be here in the bin for now, probably for weeks. And to add to that, it seems that me and Heather´s meeting is very improbable before the spring. Her people won´t let her go, and mine won´t let me, but when I get out of here, I´ll be a free man… unless then I´m a prisoner of LOVE. Maybe this thing with Heather starts so slow because it´s supposed to last long. Both of us speak out our plain commitment to each other, but months like THIS… it´s a test.


At 18:14

Tony visited today. We brought the rest of my stuff from ward 40 to here.

There´s a big difference in how the patients treat each other between this place and ward 40, where I was before I was sent here. There people were more "normal"; here everybody´s a looney, and instead of small talk or humour, take each other as fellow loonies… or even partners in crime! But it´s harder to be HERE.


At 19:20

I just sent Heather a very determined and promising love message that she might get scared of. (She sometimes gets scared of nothing, a little like I do.) The old man is back in this room. I don´t mind, he brings comfort and certain sense of discipline to this room.

Earlier this evening we spoke on the phone with my mom and briefly with M.A. (He was going to get laid, so we couldn´t talk for long.) Then, I spoke with an ex-friend of mine, about music, briefly as well.

There´s quite a monster that lives in my mind. That monster is called CONTROL. More or less, as my perceptopn of life has become cruel, and in it the teasing, "shadow games" or even holocaust have caused me pain; I´ve built a wall around me, and it can only stand for as long as I want to control it. For years it has stayed the same, or even gotten worse, but maybe in time, with Heather, it´ll be worked at, and in the best case lose its pover or get a more useful job. What comes to Heather, I want her.


At 22:10

I don´t like to write so much about the ugly things, but things are about to get ugly. My resentment towards this facility and the way the personel treat you… I´m like in the downwards spiral to hell: Always a harder, tighter, less merciful place with a toughter demon, until you´re down on the bottom with no chances left.

I gotta get out of here. It´s an impulse, it´s fear. I don´t belong here. But there ARE a lot of folks here who DO.

But you know the way it goes: If you behave yourself, you gradually get out. Now it´s really starting to get into me. I´m soon starting to feel bad! I just called my mother about this, and she, a bit angry that I called so late, advised me to talk to the personel. Things are looking down.

Maybe I´ll start playing the clever game, like no. 6 in "The Prisoner". He mingled when he had to, but HE NEVER CONFORMED.


WED 8.2. at 14:26

Right now I´m a very happy man. Heather said today on the phone that she could move into my place in the summer, which would be excellent. But the first thing is me visiting her in Kärsämäki (hopefully on one of the forthcoming weekends).

I am now allowed to walk for 30 minutes several times a day, and actually just now, on my walk, I decided to go and eat a pizza. It was good and I ate it all with great appetite. Now I´m back at my station, the hospital bed, by the window, listening to Joni Mitchell.

I think that the call to Heather today was the best one in a long time, if not ever. This time SHE talked a lot too, and I think it was during this call that the both of us warmed up for each other, and DOUBT, the little thing that gnaws our minds, was again put aside. Right now it feels and seems like nothing can go wrong. I´m just waiting for the time I can start to really LOVE her and tell her so. She is the woman I´ve been waiting for all my life. Yes, SHE´S THE ONE.


At 15:12

Here in the mental Hospital the day is only just in its half, counting from breakfast to silence, from 8:00 to 22:00. But the latter part may be the more fluent part – or then not!

The new roommate just came into the room, talking weird. He stinks. The old man on my right instead has a weirdly respective attitude towards me. I can´t make sense of his talk.

This is another ordeal, surviving in the same room with two fucked-up old men, who now somehow seem to find a mutual language despite their different madnesses. Now they´re talking about presidents and politics.


At 17:56

Life could suck big time here like this if I didn´t have Heather. I´m just wondering if that thing ends up as another short-term enthusiasm for me, like a wave that rises and descends back into the sea. But in the best case, she could be my strength when I´m weak, and vice versa. We talked on the phone for the second time today at around 16:45, ever until my dad came to visit. He got me a little agitated with what he had to say – it seemed to me that he was trying to control me and my love too much. I think my respect towards him went down a lot because of that. I think that from now on I won´t ask his opinion on anything to do with this love-thing.

There´s a catch about being "special". If you´re being special and treated as such all your life, the necessary sense of MUTUALITY may be very distant and almost impossible to grasp.

Love came into my life at exactly the right time. I knew I couldn´t live like I have for so long much longer, but I never had Heather in my mind when I thought about finding a girlfriend.

The madness and loudness on this ward, these days, is so disturbing that I think I´ll be spending a lot of time out walking or sitting in the music room, talking on the phone or not. Fortunately the other two, older guys aren´t in this room for most of the time; I think they´re mainly sitting with some of the other social ones, playing cards, drinking a hell of a lot of coffee and going to the smoking room between those functions. I´m not like them – I appreciate privacy and the softer stuff.

I don´t think this love has made me a softie; maybe even on the contrary, I´ve become more determined; that´s all I can say.


At 20:43

So here I am with two crazy old guys in the same room. In the early evening i did manage to talk privately with one young male nurse, and he pretty much levelled with me; he understands my feelings, and recommended the quiet rooms to me. He said he´d personally give me access to the room when I want. He also said he´ll try to proceed my situation about getting on vacations / out of here. That set me at ease, at least for a little bit. Two more days left until the day off and then gradually towards the light – towards my own life, a part of which, from now on, is going to be Heather.


At 20:56

We just got our evening meds that will take about an hour to kick in, so there´s nothing meaningful to do than write.

Now I´ve got a feeling like everything´s gonna be alright. The ward has quieted down, and those loud loonies who played cards are either watching TV or retiring to their rooms. Ah, peace at last… for eight hours, alright. I wonder how I´m gonna get along with these two madmen here – I quess I´ll get used to all this in time. Now, goodnight.


THU 9.2. at 6:29

I think I´m conforming after all. I mean, what does it mean NOT to conform? Why not conform? Well, first of all, a person who won´t conform must be coming "from the free world" and is prepared to fight for it.


At 9:21

It´s my morning moment. I´m looking out of the window into the winter wonderland outside with snooze in my mouth and listening to Absoluuttinen Nollapiste. I think I´ll be alright with my roommates, and the rest of the crowd I´ll just ignore. Except that I DO talk with people.

I just had the hardest shit of my life. I had the impression that I was excavating a pyramid. In the middle of the session I had to go ask for toilet paper.

I did think of staying in bed this morning, but no. Nobody forced me, no, but I felt up for breakfast. I was the first one there. Now I´m just waiting to get to talk on the phone. And for sure, I´ll be doing a few walks out. Tony said he´d come to visit after noon.


At 13:52

This is one thing I´ve learned during these past times: THERE ARE HARDLY ANY BAD INTENTIONS, THERE ARE USUALLY JUST MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

Now I exist on this closed ward in the ideal way of being here, lying in bed (something that in civil life is "bad").

Today Tony came around, and we got the permission from the nice male nurse to walk to Prisma, where we ate junk food at Hesburger. I ate like a king: A double burger, big fries + chicken sticks with dip. And for dessert, a cup of coffee and a cream bun.


At 14:58

I think I´m getting used to this hospital life, and I notice I care less and less day to day, as I care more and more about Heather and our love. For now, all we can do is talk on the phone, which itself is a real delight to me. Anyway, I´m pretty sure we´ll wind up together as the time goes by; that´s what we´ve planned and dreamt about. And all this started when I said to her that if we dated, I would probably love her very much.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART NINE: THE RELATION-SHIP SINKS

At 19:04

At around dinner time today I did the most crucial fuck-up of this maybe doomed-to-fail relationship with Heather, sending her a long text message in which I told her I needed to withdraw from this "relationship". As a reply she sent me a "have a nice life"-type of message, and as I went out on a walk, the feeling that I should call her grew, and as eventually I did, it turned out she was hurt and had lost her trust in me. That got me desperate, sorry and ashamed. For the rest of my walk we talked, and now it seems that nothing will ever be the same. What if it never happens with the two of us? This is at least the end of the "cute" phase and the babbling phase, and I think after this I´ll be much more serious with her.

So this is what it´s like to feel bad. I´ve hardly ever felt bad in my life, I mean emotionally. Or maybe I have, but not like I think I might lose her, but I want her back so bad. I don´t know anything anymore: I don´t even truly know if I WANT TO BE with her! If my life went on as it´s used to, I have nothing, absolutely nothing there to substitute this "love" or give me peace of mind. On the other hand, I might get depressed, which might keep me in this place for eternity.

So do I want to be with her? The answer might as well be NO! I just have to accept it… accept that even this eager romantic might not want to be with his loved one. It´s sad. It´s crushing. What do I do? So this is what heartache feels like. It feels like heartache. I don´t know what to do. I only hope I´d be able to be alone, even on the hospital grounds, ´cause I need to think through this colourful mess of dreams, plans and intentions that we made with Heather.

But whereas mania goes away and so does depression, I don´t think Heather will. But I am sincerily sorry. What if SHE says NO? Then I´ll just have to live with it. But I know that THIS WAS JUST AN ANTIREACTION TO THE INFATUATION OVERDOSE we had for maybe a week. I gotta think hard of what to do if she says no.

All of a sudden everything loses its meaning. It did already when I wrote the message. Maybe something inside me couldn´t accept what was going on without putting up a fight. Because of this we may never have that crush – or honeymoon phase… so why even try?


At 19:40

Even if we would try again, there are things forever lost. The feeling is helpless. To have loved and lost love truly is worse than not have loved at all. If you don´t love, you get to stay sterile; if you love, you get bruised.

So this is what it´s like to be an adult. Is the potential time of fun gone for good? I don´t think there´ll be any cuddling, not to mention sex. I think I´ve lost all interest here. NOT loving is easier. But if this thing does fail, I´ll be sad, confused and lost. But I think that when THAT happens, I´ll be ready to give myself totally into hospital treatment.

On the other hand, it would probably be for the best to not even start this thing if these kind of problems appear on the first hand, especially IF SHE MISUNDERSTANDS, gets hurt and wants to end it like this. But what´s for sure is that I´m gonna go and visit her soon. Its probably gonna be a lot more serious occasion than we´ve thought.

I don´t know if there´s any escape from this feeling and this situation. I don´t want to leave her, but, hey, we haven´t even begun yet. At least now the sparkles are gone. Threre´s just this sinister sense of solemness now that is obviously the by-product of falling to the first trap, the first hole in the ground on our way. Now it´s all up to her.

I´ve sort of gone down and downer. First, the transition from the open ward to here, then, the enforcement to conform, then, losing Heather. Soon I´ll have nothing to lose – and no reason to live. I might as well spent my whole life here. But I still have a strong sense that the two of us belong together. But paradoxially, now that I´ve lost these things, I find myself having a peace of mind and the ability to conform.


At 20:54

I would surely get over this, if this then would be the end, but I´d never get over all the dreams and promises we made during this intensive period of "love on the phone". But I think she´ll say YES. If she says NO… I´ll be going down for a while.


FRI 10.2. (in the late morning)

Oh, what a happy day this is. In the morning I was too tired, and ended up staying in bed ´til after ten which was when Heather sent me a text message telling me that she is ready to continue with me.


At 15:56

I´m in love with her and I feel fine

Yes, my dear diary, me and Heather are going to make it together. I think that for now I´m not in doubt. And because we sorted this incident out, I don´t think there´s anything we couldn´t work out in our future life together. I get electricity from her, I get sexual feelings, tender loving feelings, I get JOY and, yes, LOVE.

I just told my roommate, the disoriented old man this love story of mine.

I´m so happy and I feel so good because of this.

We´ve only just begun to live

I´m glad that I won´t have to be out there on the meat market, in the nightlife or on the contact pages of papers and magazines anymore, not to mention the NET.


At 19:35

Things are indeed looking up in my life. Even though Heather dreams along with me, she often returns me back on the ground. Now we´re trying to arrange my trip to Kärsämäki, where she´s stuck in a "care-home", for next week´s weekend. It may not happen then, but It´ll happen some day, probably soon!

I get along with my roommate alright. He doesn´t mind the music. And I don´t mind the fact that he thinks that I´m one of the personell.

A poor supper has been had, and it´s time for the final moment of the day (the moment from supper to bedtime).

Heather makes me feel a lot, but this is a different, kinda deeper feeling than what I got from my first girlfriend (back in the spring of `98). That was more sexual, this is kinda "holistic".


At 20:11

If somebody would have told me ten years ago how happy I´d be ten years from then on, and how many colours and joy and pleasure it would contain… I don´t know. Maybe I wouldn´t had minded about any hardship or bad feeling so much. If the me ten years from now would now tell me how happy a relationship it would be with Heather, I´d probably praise the Lord now and not worry at all. And right now, I don´t worry. I´ve finally found my woman, and still during this year she may move in with me, and it´ll be the beginning of a lot of things beautiful and warm.


At 20:30

I can hardly describe my happiness and joy over the fact that I´ve finally found someone, and not just anyone, but a perfect match, a woman who will most probably be the love of my life, my soulmate and my lover… and above all, my (best) friend.

And the funniest part of all this is that I spoke to Heather on the phone for the first time on my 27th birthday, last summer, the very day I started a new diary, in english. And yet, her turning out to be the one for me was a total surprise. I found her close (in the name and number index of my cell phone), byt so far (in some fucking Kärsämäki). And I don´t have to do shit.

And I kinda feel now that even my promisingly started PHILOSOPHY melt in the heat of this love.


SAT 11.2. at 19:50

Just got back to the ward from a day´s holiday. My dad came to pick me up at around 8:30. At my parents´ my mom cut my dad´s hair and then mine (she also shaped my beard a bit). Then we did what my folks had promised: We went to Ali Baba, where I finally got The pasta alla carbonara I had long desired (my parents both had the buffet). After that my dad took me to my place. Tony came around in the afternoon, and later came his pretty drunk friend, with whom we shot a few funny things on video. After we watched what we had filmed, Tony and his friend headed for town, whereas I finally typed all the important text messages from my cell phone onto the computer and called Heather in a moment of DOUBT about us. We talked for most of the way I walked to Kangasvuori, and now I´m here and supper´s been had, snooze is on, and I´m waiting for the meeting tomorrow morning and the possible permission to go to Kärsämäki to visit Heather, the love of my life. Life is fine.


SUN 12.2. at 8:14

Of course the meeting wasn´t today ´cause it´s sunday, and it it was the 14th, so it´s on tuesday.

It´s kinda quiet and peaceful here now, just like last weekend, but then, I don´t remember everything of last week because of the stupor from Leponex. But I don´t mind that.

I only wish I´d be able to go to see my baby to Kärsämäki next weekend. Maybe I will, maybe I won´t – we´ll see about that on tuesday


At 8:50

This love-thing wasn´t the first dream of mine that came true, but it´s the biggest. Everything has just simply fallen into place, even so that it makes me think that God put the wishes in my head, so that I´d get what I wished for.


At 11:58

When I saw from the week´s menu, that there would be fish today, I tried to negotiate with the personel that I go to eat elsewhere. But one of them promised that there would be a non-fish alternative, so I just took a normal walk. Well, my food was minced meat steaks.

Both me and my roommate slept for most of the morning. I just made some coffee, and am energetic now. Listening to the latest Ben Folds album. And, of course, thinking about my (future) baby.

Right now I´m happy to be here.


At 17:07

After today´s call, the relationship with Heather presents itself as a challenging one. Even though she´s above her delusions intellectually, like me, her shit is much worse than mine. And if she gets disoriented when living with me here in Jyväskylä, she´ll come here to Kangasvuori, and I´ll be part of her "safety net". But during that call that left me kinda sad, she spoke of the possibility that she might not be able to live in a normal appartment, and that maybe she should go on living in a care-home.

I´m strong enough to take care of Heather. I love her and I want to be with her and I want to share some life with her. Actually I wish I could win her heart and to be her last stop manwise. I wish we could become a couple, settle down and learn our lessons in love together.

My father dropped by with Roki the dog. We did a walk.

The dinner was unsatisfying: Some sort of potato soup. No wonder I spend my days desiring greasy foods. Basically, I see light ahead of me… and Heather.


At 19:54

About an hour ago a big male nurse approached me with the intention to see how well I am mentally, and obviously I made a good impression, ´cause he even flashed the possibility for me to get the fuck out of here – maybe already on tuesday (when I´ll have my treatment meeting that my mother may or may not be able to attend). So if you dig that tomorrow would be my last whole day here – hoorray! And if not – I don´t mind that much. I only wish I could go see Heather on the weekend.

Even though the symptoms of our shared illness, schizophrenia, tease us in our love-to-be, I can´t in words describe the happiness and joy I have now that I´ve found Heather. I just sent her a text message saying that whatever happens in her life, I will never disappear from it.



MON 13.2. at 11:43

This morning, before breakfast, a lady came to take my blood for testing. The morning went in the typical drowsy state. I developed a huge hunger towards lunch, when I did eat like a king. The food tasted soooo good! In about two hours I can call my love.

I´m still overwhelmed by all this. The sun is shining on me, and for the first time in maybe even seven years, I see a bright future ahead of me. But it depends very much on Heather.

I´ve actually conformed here so well that I could be here for however long. After all, the benefits are great: Good food, the personel taking care of your meds and giving you therapy, the peaceful atmosphere, the kind of serenity that allows you to totally take it easy. And of course, there are TVs and you can read the morning paper, just like in normal life. Then all these activities you can take part in if you please… even though the closed ward felt like a prison after the open ward. But still, I ain´t a bit sorry if I get to leave here this week.


At 14:30

This is the first time during this phone-relationship with Heather when I feel bad because she feels bad. But in fact I feel bad because the image of my saving angel and strong woman by my side that I had of her is breaking. In no way is this relationship gonna be easy, especially when there are parties involved that decide in this case more than the two of us do. And now I´m talking about the institutions we presently live in. This afternoon her´s contacted me, saying it would be better that I visit her not until I´m out of here. It is their intention to talk to my nurses here about the possibility of me going there already this weekend, or whether I should wait ´til I´m totally okay…


At 15:33

I´m pretty much down, sad and depressed because Heather is feeling bad, and because the picture of living with a schizophrenic in a far worse condition than me doesn´t look rosy. But Heather has come my way, she has come into my life… with challenges. All of a sudden it´s the biggest chance of my life since… possibly since I first found myself here in Kangasvuori, in 2000, or even since I first moved out on my own 11½ years ago.

Will we ever share good times with Heather? I don´t care. Our lives have already made the silent promise to each other, and if we can speak the lanquage of our hearts, we will surely make it together.

Maybe depression is , after all, something I´ll have to go through in my life, maybe even soon. But I hope not. Even though I´m kinda cool and composed now, I did prefer the mania-phase. But I seriously think it´s time for me to get out of here tomorrow… and that may happen.

Anyway, this adhesive sadness may be our second crisis. It seems that even my deep thoughts and declarations of love don´t work now. I feel a bit helpless, probably in the way with a mentally sick person close to them feel.


At 16:19

It´s been sunny in my world for a long time. Now it´s time to be strong.


At 19:49

Well, well, well. It´s so sad, but I´m glad. Now it´s over between me and Heather. When I was in the local pub, Pupujussi, for coffee with Tony in the early evening, Heather sent me a mixed up text message, in which she for the first time with me "let the shit out from inside her". Fortunately I caught her on the phone at around seven, and we talked it through which left me kinda happy that what happened, happened, and it left me feelong OK about the both of us… separately.

Paradoxially, I may get out of here tomorrow, and I already talked with my mom about me spending some time at their place, before I return to the way I live in mine.

It´s funny, my only true love turned out to be just another promising beginning, another desperate dream, another failure, another chapter in my romance book. But I can be grateful for getting to think beautiful thoughts and just float for a while, FOR FREE, with no consequences. Probably her praying affected me too. I had my hopes about us, but I ain´t hurt, nor bitter, nor depressed. This thing is then in the can and over with. Life goes on… for me too… my way.

There´s a third guy in this room now, a smelly fellow, who´s highly flegmatic. Some crazy woman somewhere on the ward is screaming: "I´M A HUMAN BEING!" She too is reluctant to conform, just like me when I came to this closed ward. Now I know that you hardly lose anything by conforming.


PART TEN: BACK TO NORMAL


TUE 14.2. (Valentine´s day) at 12:25

Back here on the open ward, ward 40, where I spent most of this excursion of mine to this hideous place called Kangasvuori.

The meeting involving things to do with me was held (without my mother) this morning at around 10:30 (they were late), and to my dissatisfaction, they didn´t let me out yet, but gave me satisfactory holidays. First, now, after they get the lab results, I get to go to my home, where Tony is gonna come this evening to sauna and stay for the night. Then, on friday, I get to go on a whole-weekend holiday. I´ll have to be here most likely for another two weeks, if I behave myself, but it´s different now than how it was five years ago, because now I even like it here! Especially now that I´m back on ward 40, which is much better.

The room is very cosy, and all in all, I don´t find anything to complain about. I´m in the very same room I was in before I was sent to the closed ward.


At 13:44

Back here at my home and relaxed. Listening to the same old James Taylor album "Dad Loves His Work", and thinking ´bout ordering a pizza and a kebab from Ali Baba,´cause I´m too tired to go and buy food, and I do have money. Being here at home on this vacant afternoon feels soooo good! Tony will come over in the evening.

On my way here by foot from Kangasvuori I figured that it would not be in my best interest to return to my old lifestyle, but then I remembered WRITING. What if I lived the same way as before, but kept up the WRITING. That would be for the best, if only I had inspiration.

It´s so funny and sad that just when I was really getting into philosophy, came love and took the place of philosophy as the most important thing, but then, even love didn´t last. Now, instead of getting more into the old autobiografical style – I actually thought of putting this diary from the "Kangasvuori Revisited"-section into covers with the title "LOVE and CONFORMITY". All in all, I´d like to do my next book in english, simply because I feel like it.

I´m a kind of a cross-artistic guy who tends to do one thing in one style and another thing in another style. It´s also funny and sad that I tend to get exited about one thing and be really into it for a while, then forgetting it and finding another thing. It´s sad and funny that me and Heather´s relationship seems to have been one of those things (even though SHE was the one to call it off).


At 19:03

I just figured that the best thing an artist of any kind can do is to follow the inspiration and do exactly what intriques him/her at the time, ´cause an artist can´t stand still. I understand that a lot of artists of different fields do series of things like a collection of short stories, a series of paintings or statues portraying a naked model or a basket of fruit etc. What comes to me as a writer, I feel most exited about doing my second book in english… even though it would be as short as the tale of being in Kangasvuori this time around.. and what happened in my life there.


At 20:14

I just came from the sauna. Washing all over felt better than in a long time.

I don´t mind a couple more weeks in Kangasvuori at all. Actually I believe that just recently I´ve started to like it there. But this home-holidays are always the best.


At 21:24

We´re watching the remake of "The Amityville Horror" with Tony.

The idea of being some sort of an artist intriques me… and as it seems, I might be turning out to be a writer. This thing could grow and bloom… If I only get my creative juices flowing. So maybe it´s not just philosophy… I could write anything!


WED 15.2. at 14:44

I have returned to my old room here on ward 40 from town, where I talked to my therapist. He said my writing habit is good. I think so too, but I have to admit that now that I´m thinking of putting the text of these diaries into my next book, I´m getting more concious about what I write.

I´m listening to good old James Taylor with snooze under my lip, and feeling okay.

I think that as soon as I´m out of here, I´ll start exploring the Net at my parents´place, just to do something else than lying at home. For now I´m reading my diary from last summer to when I got here.


At 15:31

I´m reading my diary from last autumn, and I think the title "TENOX-HEAD" describes it perfectly, even though my troubled mind is something that shines through it all – it´s funny that I had forgotten all of the bad things, already this soon.

Anyway, now I see my salvation from a lazy and meaningless life in WRITING… or doing any kind of a PROJECT. I gotta keep moving mentally and being INTO something.

So neither meditation, faith or love was my thing, but I don´t mind any of that as long as I can make my life meaningful with what I do. And I´ve got a good feeling of my next project that for now seems to be the book in ENGLISH.


At 16:06

Reading the not-so-long-ago text about struggling between good and evil, not to mention the struggle with my nasty habits, it makes me think IT´S JUST NOT WORTH IT. None of it. It´s better to allow myself to practise my little habits and thinking of my life from the generally HUMAN perspective. I´m looking forward to a less-troubled life.


At 17:11

Returning to this open ward has felt like a salvation to me; I have my privacy and the possibility to talk with the nurses, and I don´t have to do anything except to go eat four-five times a day, which doesn´t cause me to get timid anymore either.


At 22:13

I just read the rest of this diary so far and came to wonder HOW COME A LOVE SO DEEPLY FELT CAN END SO PAINLESSLY? Even though it was a disappointment…. Love comes quickly… right, and it went quickly too…


THU 16.2. at 8:24

This morning at seven I was to another blood test. I fell asleep after coming back – when I woke up, I made it barely for breakfast. It´s cleaning up day. I hope I won´t have to do anything, ´cause yesterday I came to a clean, prepared room.

The difference between this ward and the closed ward I was on (ward 37) is like night and day. This is more like a comfortable rest-home, besides now there aren´t many people here – only a few whom I saw here before my excursion to ward 37.

For pretty much all of my time here during there past two months I´ve been feeling good, and feeling "healthy" enough to appreciate this place and all these things it offers. Right now, too, I´m relaxed and feeling fine.


At 11:36

Well, then, this is it again: The longest part of the day, the part between lunch and dinner. It was great that today being a fish day, they had a pretty good steak for me. After lunch I went to the hospital cantina for a big cup of coffee with cream and sugar + a little choclate bar. The ladies (personel) who had gathered there for a lunch break laughed really loud at some inside joke – at least they have a good working spirit.

So now I´m in my room and feeling good – listening to my music collections, reading papers and writing this.


At 11:49

Of course these diaries these days aren´t nearly as interesting as the text I wrote on ward 37, when I was in love.

So faith was left, philosophy was left and love was left. Now all I´ve got here are these hours by myself, and these simple things to keep me entertained. And there´s nothing wrong with that; actually this is what you´re allowed, even encouraged to do here. Two more weeks… I don´t mind.


At 13:00

I just read my "Love Diary" that starts from my first crush when I was 14 and takes its reader through many pathetic failures in love. It really made me see myself as a hopeless romantic, in whom girls don´t see anything wrong (and sometimes even say I´m a "great guy"), but none of that has resulted to anything, but two short romances.

It makes me see that I´m always a loser in love. I haven´t been making an effort on that field for a long time, nor do I think I ever will… but could it be that what the spirit therapist told my mother ten years ago that I would find my woman when I´m closer to 30 be still a promise worth waiting for.

It simply is not worth it to keep romantic dreams alive - I mean IN MY CASE. Right now the soundtrack of my life would be Carpenters´ "Goodbye to Love".


At 14:09

I went on a walk about an hour ago, after pondering where to go. I rekognised a playful thought that my destination would be the result of divine guidance, when I got the idea to go to the biggest flee market in Jyväskylä, nearby. I was primarily looking for music, but I ended up buying three videos at good prices, so it was a good trip.


At 14:26

The time is long here in the institution, be it as nice as anything. And the day, counting from breakfast to silence, isn´t even in its half yet.


At 14:39

Well, it´s nice to spend time listening to music and lay down on the bed, looking out of the window… if you know how to take it easy. It´s a wonderful, white winter´s day. Maybe I´ll get a taste of enlightenment again.

In my case, giving in to inner impulses is both good and bad: Good when I follow "God´s" lead or some kind of spiritual or telepathic urge that aims at something, and bad when I end up eating or buying something without second thought.


At 15:11

An hour and a half ´til dinner, and I´m already very hungry.

What the enlightenments were about from the start was KNOWING SOMETHING THAT COULDN´T BE SEEN OR HEARD… or maybe in any way SENSED. It was all about KNOWING SOMETHING WITHIN.


At 15:33

It´s amazing how open I am to self-suggestion. I just tried "free your mind" with good results. Maybe I´ll start doing that every day now… but I´ll hardly return to the stuff that drove me crazy back in 2000.


At 19:34

I just watched the Jesus-movie I bought from the flee market and felt distressed by it – not as a movie, but because of the harsh reality of His teachings and this whole faith thing. Anyway, I´d be a fool to let that moivie drag me down in the dumps and feel like shit about myself… unless then it´s the kind that leads to faith. Towards the end of that movie I did pray, but I´ve been down this road so many times before, that I ain´t got much to give in the sense of believing… and turning away from sin. But I´ve chosen my road. Maybe later I will once more pray sincerily and try to give myself over to Christ. Maybe, but I have a strong sense that faith is not for me… or maybe THAT is Satan´s power over me… But because of my mental condition I can´t afford to play with these things. I can´t… maybe… anymore… I guess.

I think It´s time to do a total psycho-analysis on myself… just for fun.

I´m a nobody… but to myself I´m somebody – to me I´m the center of the universe. I keep myself entertained and pleased through the day, as if that was my job. I´ve saturating myself with all the comforts and yet demanding nothing from myself. It´s been so easy to give up trying and going for something, when I´ve had everything I want and need at my disposal. I´m a hedonist and a narcist. Narcism goes deep in me. Even when I act like a regular guy to myself, I always point out how excellent and admirable I am. I keep a front that probably usually isn´t very good, but it´s a front that keeps me safe. In reality it´s something that keeps me suffering.

This time here in Kangasvuori I´ve seen a phase when I became so, so alive, but its downside was that I couldn´t turn myself off. I´m not depressed now, but I see myself as a complex package with my blessings and my curses.

Am I ment to operate alone? I can´t solve the mystery of humanity in me, I can´t get in faith, I can´t get into a serious relationship. Hell, I can´t even stand my grounds. O.K. so I´m a loser and a tweet, but they, too, are stamps that I´ve voluntarily started to wear after other people have stopped stamping me. And I keep on tormenting myself with the tiniest things – feeling bad about and trying to quit my nasty habits. I haven´t found anyone to care for me when I need care – talking ´bout after my parents are gone.

On the other hand I know I need hope, the kind of hope only faith could give, but on the other hand I think I should give up all hope, so I wouldn´t end up disappointed or hurt later. But maybe the best advise I could give myself is that I should dare to live.

It´s just that now my old "shell", my cover, my wall, is back, and it seems things are even worse… But maybe it´s all in my head – the good and the bad. My head is the problem when my heart should speak, but my head keeps things in order and safe.

Can I just let myself BE without playing any tricks? I´ve gotten used to being sickly on the other hand a humble guy, and on the other hand being proud and cold like an old king who can no longer see beyond his own castle walls and his power.

I guess I have good intentions, but some things may be to late to save. It seems life won´t allow me to be "on the roll", because everytime I think "this is it (finally)", I get distracted and pushed to another direction… "There is always something wrong", I wrote already more than ten years ago – I had noticed the twist, the paradox, the teaser or whatever, already then.

Now I have lived in complacency for a long time, but now that I really desire the writing life of this young philosopher/autobiographer to start, maybe I should let nothing stand in my way; maybe I should say: "This is what I want" and go right ahead. Maybe I should do like Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons of KISS advised and only go for the things I like… but to be prepared to work hard for it. "IT" is a word to describe anything too big for our comprehension. "IT" is a big thing.

I want to believe that what matters in life is what you do, not what you believe in, like Pekka Ervast used to say.

I end up choosing an easy road in life, but I constantly torment myself with harsh demands… in faith, my view of the world, in theory, I don´t know. Could I just let myself be in peace? Could I make peace with God and my petty habits? After all, I´m not doing anyone any harm, but it´s probably true thet I´ve been wallowing in decadence so that I´ve softened at the hard places and hardened at the soft ones.

And after all, the happiest times have been those when I´ve just lived my life and done things that feel the best. Maybe that ain´t no crime… a crime against myself, or God…

I´m 27 now, and the fact that it´s not even half of my life if I don´t die prematurely, gives hope, but the fact that it´s almost half of my life makes me think that soon the downhill will begin… or maybe not – considering how functionable my parents in their 50´s are.

My father once said in the sauna at our summer place in Muurame that getting older is having to lose and let go of things – so that´s how it´s comprehendable as downhill.

But on the other hand, if my carreer as a writer now starts, at least in a certain sense the time of hitting the walls is over. Though it would really be over if I had a woman and was in faith. BUT MAYBE NOW I´LL HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT I MAY NEVER BE FINISHED AS A PERSON, THAT I´LL NEVER BE READY.

Anyway, I´ve been so happy lately about the little but big joys of life. Tomorrow, after lunch, I get to go to my home, put James Taylor´s "Dad Loves his Work" on and later Tony will come to drink with me. And it won´t be long ´til I get out of here for now, maybe even for good. And then I get to write my next book, be it "LOVE AND CONFORMITY (IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL)" OR "PASSING THINGS".

And what is true and can´t be denied, is that lately I´ve been feeling VERY GOOD. I´ve been feeling pretty good about my life and myself. The shadows haunt me, but they won´t get to me as long as I have my face turned towards the light. And that way I can also see or at least imagine a brighter future for myself.


FRI 17.2. at 8:06

Aah! Another glorious day here in Kangasvuori. But it only feels that way for me ´cause a well-slept night washed away the shit from my mind, the shit that was there yesterday.

I´m listening to Zappa for the first time in a while. I woke up at around six, and as usual, didn´t sleep much after that. It annoys me when they come checking at around that time. Why do they do that just then?

Breakfast was a little early today… and the food was delicious, as always – much because of the fresh vegetables.

I´m feeling really good. In just three hours I´m getting out of here for a weekend holiday.


At 12:18

After drowsing all morning and hungry, I went to the eating place a little early, ate an okay meal (sausage sauce & mashed potatoes) and returned to the ward with this nice new guy, who opened the conversation with me, ´cause he too was there to change to Leponex.

I got my meds and left for home via the hospital cafe, where I had a cup of coffee. It´s a sunny day, but for me it was darkened by the old discomfort of facing people.

I came home at 12 sharp and after a while of thinking, took six Temestas from my dosett, because this is exactly that kind of day. And I actually thought that I wouldn´t decline getting them, if the doctor will give me the prescription for them, ´cause after all, I like a Temesta high now and then. And the thing with the Temesta now is that since I don´t NEED them, I can take a head a few times a week! Who would turn such a chance down?


SAT 18.2. at 13:12

I cleaned up my place today. Me and Heather are back in progress of our relationship. I´m happy about that.


At 16:45

Maybe for the first time in me and Heather´s relationship, I feel like I have peace of mind. And that´s because after being convinced by my parents but yet not manipulated by them, I called Heather and brought it out in the open that I CAN´T HAVE CHILDREN WITH WITH HER, NOW OR MAYBE EVER, so if that´s what she´s counting on, she´s just wasting time with me. But I´d like to date her, be with her, be more than a friend.


SUN 19.2. at 11:54

Oh bummer! Is it because I took all of my holiday Temestas that one day, that I feel the bad old oppression again?

Yesterday evening me and Tony went to his sauna, ordered kebab and pizza and watched three horror movies that caused me a lot of distress and the thought that I don´t want to be watching horror anymore.

I just came home via McDonald´s, where I had a morning coffee and a bun. I feel kinda bad now. And if I feel this bad just because of taking too much Temesta at once, I don´t want to do it again. But chances are that I will. Poor wretched me.

It´s a case of PLEASURE and PAIN. If I have this much pleasure, I have to have an equal amount of pain, I guess. So of the extra Temesta I´ll have to pay with anxiety.


At 13:12

I´m reading the book I borrowe from a religious frend of Tony´s: Kalevi Lehtinen´s "Löytöretkellä", with conflicted feelings, struggling with my sense of sin and badness. The mystery work of Christ is repeated constantly, and even though I like to think I understand it, it remains a mystery, it doesn´t open to me, I can´t seem to find peace with it.

Last night I had a dream in which I prayed and disgraced God and faith in turns.


At 13:34

Everything feels so vain. I almost feel like killing myself – but I won´t do it. I´ve tried praying, but I feel like God, Christ and faith are almost like a threat to me. I´m so croocked, how could I be saved?I´m running low on hope.


At 13:50

Why does it seem that the christian faith always comes to mess up things and make me feel bad? Right now I´m in such distress that I even consider going to Kangasvuori today, either to get Temesta, or to stay there instead of spending the night at my parents.

My hedonism and narcism are indeed such big sins, and so deep in me, that I can´t plug them out or deport them from my nature. I´m in grave spiritual pain.

This really makes me think that the prospect of faith is in its forcefulness an impossible thing, whereas my own thoughts seem to give me peace and a good feeling. So is it a sin?


At 15:09

This is not a nice day. This is a bad day. When my dad came to pick me up from my place today, I got him persuaded to driving through Kangasvuori for me to get the now very much needed Temesta.

I had to talk awhile with the nurse, who had just 20 minutes ago answered to my call, and she took away the religious book I started reading today.

My parents once again resented the fact that me and Tony had been watching HORROR films, and to them it´s obvious that my anxiety is coming from that. But this time the partners in crime were the book I mentioned and not having any Temestas left.

Anyway, as soon as I got to my parents´ place, we ate, and now I´m listening to music and snoozing.

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the social office at 10:30, and even though neither of my parents have the time to go eat with me in town, I think I´ll eat something… maybe even the bacon pasta.

By the way, I´ve lost a few kilos. I now weigh 93,5 kg.


At 16:11

I need space around me, and also space in my mind, to be able to create. I may never be able to be a "believer", or a christian in the true sense of the word; I don´t want to go to church + I don´t seem to find anything in the Bible.

I think I´m starting to feel okay now.


At 17:41

Well, I heard the news about US on Heather´s behalf today; she prefers just to be a friend, even though she still says she´s infatuated with me. But she´s thought it over and decided she wants children soon, and as I told her yesterday, she would just be wasting time with me. And even though Im happy just to be her friend, I can´t help the slight feelings of disappointment, sadness, even self-pity and despair. Yet, it´s good that it happened this way – no broken hearts or grudge. Peace of mind is expensive…

When I think of returning to my life after Kangasvuori, I see nothing in it that´s really worth it – except the writing – and my next book will be delicious both to write and read. It´ll tale the tale of our phone-love, the mania and the life in the looney bin, the funny farm, the madhouse called Kangasvuori.


At 17:58

Well, today just is this kind of a day. After all, soon the SPRING is starting to make its way over the mundane and depressing wintertime, and THEN there´ll be summer. This may feel like cold comfort now, but life goes on… and for sure there´ll be good times ahead.

Of course it´s a bit of a bringdown when who you thought was the woman of your life, even a SOULMATE, withdraws from you. But it´s not like that ´cause I DIDN´T LOSE HER A FRIEND. I can still call her every day if I want.


At 18:20

But now I´ll have to kiss all our shared, beautiful dreams and plans goodbye. It could have worked if one of us could have given in to the other one´s plans and dreams, but together it was uncompatible. It could have been my chance to settle down, but the sense that was spoken to me by my parents and Tony + my own concious made it clear that I couldn´t take that much responsibility… at least not yet. But there WAS a chance to choose thrack on which I would have rolled for the rest of my life. But I turned it down… which was for now the wisest thing to do.


Winding down with my snooze and music
Alone in the room
Leaving behind the world and its disappointments
I´ll get over her soon

So I´m a total loser
But somehow I gotta live on
So I´m a submissive male in a herd
With my tail between my legs
I go on my own way
Where? I don´t know

I´m nowhere near a real man
And I guess I´ll have to believe that
´Cause again another woman turned me down

Everything was better before
Before faith and love
How can I even call myself
A free man anymore?

I don´t know who or what
I´m up against
I think I´m on my way down
For a while


At 19:53

Somehow I can´t get peace from this thing. What if I said yes to this opportunity to program the rest of my life… with Heather. On the other hand, if we talk daily, maybe there´ll still be time to change our minds… If only I could believe that a better woman would come my way. Where would I find her? I don´t want to go out there in the nightlife nor put my faith in an ad in a paper or in the Net.


At 20:07

I just went right ahead and sent Heather a text message saying "What if…" I need that hope. Maybe she´ll understand, maybe not. My heart speaks out for love for her, my head says no. I´d like to give my heart a chance… but then again, DOUBT has teased our "relationship" from the start. But maybe we´re not MENT to let go so easily. I need hope about us.


MON 20.2. at 15:33

Now I´ve been here in the looney bin/funny farm/madhouse for two months – it´s funny how I just by being here for medication change have now exceeded the time I was here five years ago in severe psychosis.

I didn´t call Heather today. I didn´t feel like it. I wet my bed last night – very unusual for me.

In the morning I woke up at my parents´, took a warm shower, had some coffee and rode a bus to town, where I went to the social office. I waited for maybe 15 minutes, very tired, and once I was called in, the whole proceedings only took 15 minutes.

I had thought about eating out today, but instead I ended up buying a piece of black sausage and a can of cottage cheese from a food market. Tony was in town too, but we didn´t meet. I took a bus back to Kangasvuori.

I just did a walk that was for some reason very unsatisfying. I won´t have to be here for very long anymore, but it isn´t exactly party that´s waiting for me when I get home.


At 18:01

I just called Heather, and we somehow, half-reluctantly negotiated the possibility of dating and being together UNTIL she finds the man to fit HER dreams and plans. But on both sides, it feels rather forced. We know this kind of arrangement might lead to the both of us feeling bad when it has to end… but still we´re in the same situation as before – we haven´t even met yet during this phone romance. It seems desperate. But I´m willing to be a kind of a temporary boyfriend to her.

I feel blue ´cause love is gone
There´s nothing to it, now it´s gone
And I´m hurt
But I just got to pick up the pieces
And go on

One desperate love-attempt behind
Like so many before
And I´m blue


I just did a walk around the pond and thought about these things that bother me, but I didn´t come to any conclusion nor did I start feeling any better. My mom´s gonna call at around eight, and I think I´ll tell her these things. They already called out for supper, but I think I´ll wait awhile.

Something made me think that the time I spent on ward 37 was among the happiest timeds of my life… probably because then my thing with Heather felt the best. It was sweet. Now, after all these times of doubt and goodbyes and agreeing to be friends, I don´t know if we can reach the sphere of love and infatuation anymore.


At 19:39

Although going to the meals with others still feels hard, there´s less to fear than before. But on the other hand, I won´t most probably get to speaking terms with the patients here now, let alone make friends with anybody.

Supper was delicious today. I could have eaten more, but didn´t bother.


At 20:56

Feeling a lot lighter now… about everything. Evening medication is in my belly, and falling asleep is expected in an hour.

At eight my mom called (as agreed), and she thought the "temporary boyfriend"-relationship sounded good. Maybe there´s still a chance. I don´t know. I just gotta let my feelings show to Heather, in every case.


TUE 21.2. at 8:36

Ah, what a wonderful morning! Well, it wasn´t yet wonderful when I was woken up for bloodtest… but after sleeping for a while my dad called, and I noticed I was late for breakfast. Fortunately I didn´t miss it. It was delicious, and I ate more than usually. Now I´m in my room snoozing.

All the doubt and insecurity and sadness is away, probably because yesterday evening, reading the religious book, I seriously asked to Christ to come to my heart and be my saviour. I still don´t know if I can go on practising my nasty habits.

The light is creeping into my world especially on these mornings when you marvel at the lightness at such an early hour.


At 12:09

I drowsed for the whole morning and dragged myself to eat at 11:00 (although there was no call for it). I got minced meat sauce with mashed potatoes, while others ate fish. After lunch I came to my room to change my clothes and then went for a walk to a new direction. It´s a cloudless, sunny day, and on my walk I searched for a place to sit and enjoy the sun, but didn´t find one, so I came back to my room to just gaze out of the window.


At 15:49

Today everything happened the way I had desired. Soon after I wrote the latest entry, I went downstairs to ask for a night´s holiday, and after maybe 15 minutes of my nurses messing about with my papers and files, they let me have my vacation, so I left. At home I called Heather, who was also in good spirits, mostly because of the sunshine. We talked for about 40 minutes, after which I cooked and ate an entire pot of macarony-minced meat mixup, twice the amount I usually eat… It was sooo good. And it´s nice, after over-eating, to wind down on the sofa, listening to music, gaze out of the window and snooze.


WED 22.2 at 14:43

Abot today… where should I start? Well, I stayed in bed ´til after ten, and went walking to Kangasvuori right away with an empty stomach. I got here just in time for lunch, after which I had a cup of coffee at the hospital cafe and came to my room, where I had a drowsy time (as usual). I did manage to sleep a bit, which made me feel refreshed when I woke up, and I went on a walk via the local pizza/kebab place, where I had a kebab roll. It was excellent. Then I walked and came back in to relax.


At 15:18

Now it´s finally and totally over then; the impossible equation of me and Heather. See, she didn´t call or text today, so I inquired her state with a text message, which led to the usual goodbyes, even as friends. I totally agree that any further contacting would have been doomed to be pretentious and a waste of time. Heather has those bad feelings so often, that I don´t think we could have avoided the feeling of trying to walk in a swamp. She and I both need a strong partner; together we would have been just blind leading the blind.

Now I have to feel sad again, but at least I know that WE DID TRY. We really tried and wanted this to work, BUT NO.


At 16:38

There´s no-one coming to comfort me this evening; not either of my parents, nor any friend… and I don´t think it´s right to talk about THIS to any of the nurses. Anyway, I may go to ask for Temesta. I know that´s a cold comfort, and it really doesn´t help, but I gotta hang on somehow. This heartache WILL go away, even though it´s kinda ridiculous to call THIS heartache. But then, pain is subjective… and I can´t help the way I feel.


At 17:04

Well, now that there´s no-one to comfort me, I write.

The thing about me and Heather was, that despite all of our beautiful and sunny dreams, we were only involved with each other on the PHONE; it was a hypothetical relationship. And we piled up expectations and even fears of meeting each other on ourselves, to the point where we had already lived the whole relationship in advance – even to its end.

Well, I went to eat, and when I came back, I asked and got two Temestas. I think it´s even probable that the doctor will write me Temesta for my life after the hospital… and he would probably write me Tenox too, if I said I need it, but I´ve got to think through whether I want to be using them for ´highs´ anymore. First of all, I would have to be very careful not to let my parents know, and secondly, I should try to use them cleverly and wisely – so that I wouldn´t get addicted or even more messed up because of using them. But the most important question is: DO I WANT TO?


At 18:39

In my heartache I did the right thing: I removed my thoughts elsewhere: I continued reading the faith book and actually got all the answers that I need to believe in J.C. and God. If I succeed to keep the faith now, things might turn for the better… even though the book says that mercy is totally independent on man´s efforts… even faith itself. The book makes it clear that there´s no kind of sin and no kind of a sinner that Christ couldn´t take. So maybe now I´ll let myself be who I am and do what I do, even believing that I can´t acquire mercy. The only thing is to depend doubtlessly on Christ´s mystery work and His infinite promises.

I think it´s important that somebody wrote that book. It´s the most convincing book about faith and most importantly the problems in faith that I´ve read.


At 20:33

I just finished reading the book, and I have to say that it answered to all my questions, the ones I´ve asked and even the ones I would have come to ask later.

I wonder why I have now been determinedly forsaken by three or four of my friends, and I myself have forsaken one. It makes me think that I´m really a kind of a temporary friend – a substitute, a sideliner in life, a nobody, a non-mattering bloke whose only purpose is to serve as some kind of a monkey.


THU 23.2. at 8:47

A well slept night and the cleaning up proceedure (like every thursday morning) behind, and now it´s just music, snooze and this diary. This may be my very LAST ENTIRE DAY here. I´m feeling very good.


At 14:05

As I started feeling drowsy as usual, later in the morning, I was so tired and reluctant to go for lunch, so I stayed in bed for an hour or two more, and went walking to Prisma, where I had an extensive fast food lunch at Hesburger. I browsed cheap cd:s in Prisma and Bought one (collection).

I´ve been thinking about PILLS a lot today. The doctor will probably write me Temesta, in a kind of an amount that if I didn´t need them day to day, I´d get a head twice a week, but if I also asked for Tenox, I could get a head on that for 3-4 times a week. I´m thinking about this both from the point of view of the honesty to do with FAITH (´cause it would be a sin) and MY PARENTS TRUST (for them, another relapse would be too much) and my own, possible ADDICTION (how could I ever break free of them if not now?) and, of course, philosophically (is it right, especially if every pleasure gets its amount of pain, that being a law of nature?).

But then, now that Heather´s gone, and I´m obviously not gonna go to the clubhouse (hell no!), it would be nice to play with pills. But as I write, I feel like I´m leaning to the direction of letting them go – letting the pill game go.


At 15:27

It seems that the pill issue is being solved by itself: I´m getting both Temesta and Tenox for next weekend, and with the same explanations I just gave downstairs will probably make the doctor write them to me too. Now I´m just wondering on which day I´d get a head. Bad me. Bad boy me.


At 16:51

Before dinner, I went on a walk that took me to unknown pathways somewhere in the suburbia of Sulku. However, I didn´t have time to follow through, so I came back a safe way. The topic in my mind on that walk were the pills. I came to the conclusion that even though I´d be getting heads, I´d only get one maybe twice a week, so that wouldn´t be EVERY DAY.

I went to eat straight from the walk, which I noticed (not before now, after two months of being here, and going home on tuesday) was a good proceedure. See, usually going from this house to eat is a stress, but now I was OK. I feel good after the walk (and of course, the snooze!). My folks are going to come see me this evening.

There have been many different phases in my life here in Kangasvuori.
1) The start, in good spirits
2) The mania, all those phone calls
3) The "love" with Heather
4) Ready to go and waiting for it
The most important thing I read from the Jesus-book was that our own efforts to even improve ourselves or kick any habit are doomed to fail. Jesus gives you peace and he gives the strength to do that, and even if you don´t succeed, he loves you anyway, and Christ´s purity dresses you, even though you can´t stop sinning.


At 17:21

If I did what I damn well pleased tomorrow, I´d take all the Temestas before leaving, and from the central hospital would go to town to eat in Ali Baba.

I heard from my father today that I in my mania phase created a phone bill of 200 euros (a sum that I´ve heard people mention here, too). I´ll pay that to my dad probably in pieces… Now simply is a time of a lot of money spent, like in the autumn the record fair / trip to Tampere / the Pink Floyds and Stawbs I´ve bought.


At 19:29

Yeah, mom & dad popped by, and were very concerned about me continuing to use both Temesta and Tenox. See, they have felt that as big a mission in my stay here as the medication change from Zyprexa to Leponex is, is me being freed from tranquilizers. Fortunately neither of them can make it to my big meeting with the doctor and some nurses next tuesday. I haven´t even thought this med thing through. Maybe I´ll end up thinking like my folks. Now the meds are a temptation to me. Will it take another "relapse" for my parents to notice? One thing I know is that if I´m gonna play with pills, I´ll have to be clever.


At 19:49

I´m waiting for a miracle: I´m waiting for M.A. to call me. I just sent him another text message, but obviously he´s (besides maybe being STONED) that angry with me, and decided for the ANGER to rule… I know I should be patient with him, or give up on him completely, but I care about him and even worry about him too much to let this thing go down in bad feelings.


At 20:01

I just went right ahead and called M.A.´s folks. His mother answered, and she ended up telling me HER worries about the man, and I told her my worries. And even though it was kind of questionable to talk about him behind his back, the call gave me both peace of mind and more to worry about. That guy may be on his way down. His mother says he´s losing it, and she can´t soon help him anymore. If M.A. goes ahead and destroys his life, he in fact goes the path his black metal music leads.

Good ol´ M.A. – Homer Simpson´s and Gene Simmons´ combination; the funny, easygoing guy who has, though,for years struggled with depression, the depths of which none of us can know. I pray for him, there´s no other way I can help.

I´m listening to a tape of me and M.A.´s from the summer of 2000. It´s called "KHUN – demos, solos and madness". I like the tape, because it´s so ALIVE. Some of it is not even music. My guitar solos on it are among my all time best.


At 21:09

Well, the end here is near. And what will I carry on with me? A helpless start for a love, a mixup with the meds, mania, a lot of snooze and walks out in the wintertime. Tomorrow I get on a weekend holiday that´ll last all the way ´til monday evening, and then, on tuesday, I`LL GET OUT!


FRI 24.2. at 8:21

After a little less well slept night and a reasonably good breakfast, I´m now snoozing until an hour from now I´ll be leaving for the central hospital. I don´t think I´ll take Temesta.


At 13:05

I took the agreed bus from Kangasvuori, through strange turns, to the central hospital, where, after all my waiting, there was only a blunt report, and off I was, on the bus to town, to Ali Baba with my dad, where Tony came a little later. After eating, Me and Tony stopped by at Arnold´s for coffee and Anttila, where Tony bought some videogames and I ended up buying two cheap but good cd:s.

Now we´re at Tony´s, watching "Dracula III". I´m feeling very good, this day is heavenly.


At 16:14

Back at home, eaten and taken three Tenoxes to add to the Temesta I took around noon: So half of the tranquilizers given to me for this weekend are already gone.

I´m listening to ZZ TOP´s "Rough Boy" again and again.


SAT 25.2. at 14:45

Yesterday evening I watched the movie "Identity", but being on pills then makes me remember pretty much none of it.

Today we went to our summer place in Muurame with my dad, and now we´re back at my parents´, and my dad´s cooking.

We just went all the way to Seppälä Prisma to buy a cd, Whitesnake´s "Come An´Get It".


At 14:58

It clearly seems now that a major reason for me being awkward with people is that I´ve been (desperately and in vain) trying to fight UNWANTED THOUGHTS, which is amplified by the fear (or delusion) that I send thoughts to other people – and those thoughts, unwanted as they are, are bad thoughts. What if I let myself have and give those thoughts? The result might be illuminative!


At 19:55

It´s strange how MUSIC, listened to on the earphones, can make you so happy. I´m glad I have that kind of taste in music that I can enjoy so many different kinds of it… even though my favourite kind of music is melodic rock. I wrote a song lyric just now.

It´s saturday evening
And I´m watching TV
With Whitesnake on the earphones
And it strikes me like a thousand volts

A love that could have been
Should have been
Would have been… is gone

Now I´m again the center
Of my universe
But I´m not sad
´Cause I feel so fucking good
And things are looking up for me

I love my mom and dad
And I let myself have
The little fun that I have
And music can´t be bad

I´m glad I don´t have to be
Out there on the playfield
Playing games people play

And I´m glad I don´t have to be out there
Trying to make impressions
Trying to make it big
like in the IDOLS

I´m glad there´s no fire
Burning my heart
This life I´ve got now is enough
And it´s a whole lot

Ten years ago I thought I was a rocker,
A troubador, even a prophet.
Then, later on, a loser
Maybe now I´m a snoozer

And I´m glad to be able
To enjoy life´s little pleasures
But what comes to faith
I´m a little careful where I step

I don´t care for an amusement park
And I don´t ever want to go abroad
I don´t care about the weather
And I don´t longer care about Heather

I thought she was the love of my life
And our dating was exactly like
I always thought what dating is
And once it seemed our love would never cease

But the risk kept us on our toes
As if we became each other´s foes
Being afraid to step on each other´s toes

On the other hand we expected to love
But we were too preoccupied
So the cost was living our love in advance
´Til nothing was left

I want no commercial break
I want no miracle diet
I don´t want no Internet love
I just had to let Heather go

I don´t want to know about my past lives
I don´t want to read people´s minds
So now I continue waithing for a woman that´s right
Unfortunately I had to leave Heather behind.


MON 27.2. at 13:19

Well well well, then. Today is my Temesta day, like I had promised myself earlier on. The trick was to go a bit record browsing and shopping. I bought two cd:s. The Temestas affected, but rather than making me relaxed, they made me feel weird. Maybe Tenox is after all a better drug for this kind of an occasion.


At 19:38

I´m just spending my final evening here in my room on ward 40 in the Kangasvuori mental hospital, where I came originally over more than two months ago to change my antipsychotic medicaton from ZYPREXA to LEPONEX.

My parents think it´s a loss if I keep using Temesta and Tenox, but to me it´s a VICTORY! Tomorrow at 13:00 the final meeting will take place here, and paradoxially neither of my parents NOR my personal nurses can make it there. This may be a good chance for me to speak out for getting those pills, and I´m pretty sure I´ll be getting them. Isn´t it funny that even the petty prayer to get Temesta somehow came true. But even my mother softened up to say that I should only take Temesta when I must face a stressful situation (like somebody´s birthday party or going to town), and that´s exactly what I think too. It´s no use popping pills at home just to forget all about the movie you were watching. It´s just that my parents don´t know the DOSES I take that shit in.

I actually have a perfect life: I don´t have to do anything, and I can soften the rough edges with tranquilizers.

I was home from town already around noon. I cooked lunch, listened to my new records, sat on my balcony and smoked a few cigarettes in a chain while sipping whiskey cola, my favourite drink. Then I did the dishes.

My mom came to pick me up from my home at 17:30, and we went to Prisma. I bought the horror dvd "Urban Legends: Bloody Mary", which I had seen and liked. I also went through all the cd´s there but didn´t buy any.

So now that my stay here is coming to its end, I can already start half-nostalgically reflect it. This bizarre play with its outbursts, love, conformity and passing things are the material for my next book, that will be a kind of a snack between proper meals, if you will.


TUE 28.2. at 8:06

Another 7 am bloodtest, another breakfast and the pleasant, even joyous moment in my room with the music and snooze… except that this time IT´S THE VERY LAST TIME! The last night here has been slept, the last breakfast had, and now I´m gonna be here for the last hours ´til the meeting for which there´s a lot to talk about.


At 12:43

I just did the most magnificient walk: I took the path from the Sulku-end of the pond and walked in pastures new to me in the mercy of determined paths, and I got back here for the meeting that has moved onwards, ´til 15:00 (a nurse just came to tell me).


At 14:43

So for these past two hours I´ve been reading the part of these diaries I´m planning to make into a book, and I think the text is delicious.

In a quarter of an hour, then, I´ll have the final meeting with the doctor and some nurses. My father may or may not make it there. I´ll write about it when it´s over.


WED 1.3. at 10:30

The first blissful morning after a pretty much OK slept night in my bown bed, in my own home.

So yesterday my dad made it to the meeting, during the long duration of which pretty much everything that needed to be brought up, was brought up. The tender subject, Temesta, was handled with consideration, and the doctor ended up writing me 14 pills a week (to be gotten from the pharmacy once a week, just like Tenox before… only that now I´m not getting Tenox anymore, that´s over). My parents are very worried about my Temesta use.

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Post scriptum: One year later…


SAT 17:3.2007

Well, well, well then. A year has passed since I got out of Kangasvuori, and it´s been a GOOD year. I´ve enjoyed leading my idle life at home, and have beem mainly in good spirits. I still use Temesta, but I´ve cut it down gradually. I have a new therapist, the best I´ve had so far, during these six years of going to therapy. Me and Heather are friends, we send each other text messages and occasionally I call her. She´s doing a lot better now… And M.A.´s doing better too; no more depression. He´s in fact visiting me here in Jyväskylä right now, and he´s helped me with my computer, and he´s the one to put this book in the Net.

If you´d like to contact me, you can mail me at [email protected]